Unexpected suprise

Wow...this morning has just been one of those. Old memories are back in my head and won’t go away. It’s weird. This morning I woke up to a buzzing coming from my phone. I got to pick it up expecting it to be my mother, or Hannah, or someone other then who it was. It was Seth. I was so surprised. Pleasantly surprise but surprised none the less. I just sort of laid there for a while. It reminded me of the days when he would call and wake me up in the morning just so he’d be the first voice I heard. The days where we could lay in his living room and just talk. The days that he would hold me and I knew that nothing was going to happen to me. It hit me in a weird way. I miss him. How he wasn’t really in my life again and that I have been striving to get him back in my life. I talked to Susie for like 15 minutes the other day. It was nice. We talked about the memory of sharing Christmas together and when I helped decorate their house and put up their tree. It was really cool. I miss that. I had almost forgotten about the days I would go over when no one was there just to get hot chocolate. I lived there. They were my family as well. It’s been almost two years since we broke up. It sucks to think of that. It sucks to think that we used to be so close and now we aren’t close at all. I wonder if he would be down to being my friend again. I just miss being able to talk to him. We could talk for hours. It was ridiculous how long we could talk about nothing and everything all at once. We kissed the first time under the fireworks at old fashion festival. OFF hasn’t been the same since. It’s like being there something is wrong. Something has changed. I wish I could put my figure on what exactly was wrong. I just don’t know. Maybe it’s that things are SO different now then they used to me. It used to be that we would sit and play and swim and everything was amazing...but now things aren’t that way. I wish I could see that kid. See who I used to be. I wonder if he could be the one that fills in the void. Tell me how I used to be and how he thinks I should be now. I want to talk to him now. My Elmo, my piano man, my first love...

I went on a shopping spree with my grandmother today...it was her birthday present to me. I didn't get normal things. I got 3 boxes of candy canes, a "sparkle" thomas kinkade puzzle, a new coffee mug, a pickle x-mas tree ornament, the new killers cd and the new evanescence cd....it made me happy. I just really enjoyed shopping at target with my grami. She is REALLY cool...My mommy also took me out to dinner. It was REALLY good. We went to Gustavs. That is possibly one of my favorite places for food and i got a free apple strudel because it was by fucking birthday. HA!!! Today was one of the greatest ever.

I miss former lovers....and former friends

Elaborate Explanation

There are days like today that I just don’t know how to deal. No one would guess though that is how I’m feeling and thinking. This beautiful girl read it all. She knows how it goes and is here for me. The thing is that I don’t think anyone know how amazing she is. Why do people judge her? She is amazing and beautiful. I fear that I will lean to her because she is here to support me. I’ve learned about myself that things are going to be hard. It sucks because I hate him with a passion that no one could truly understand but at the same time I don’t hate him at all. I love him so much that I yearn for him. I hate this. I hate that people say how horrible of a person he is and how I deserve better. I know it’s true but that doesn’t mean I want to hear it. You telling me how horrible he is hurts me more than it would hurt him. It's the same thing with my babygirl. She is gorgeous and amazing and I guess at this moment in life I’ll just sit in the back row of her life and watch and then when she needs me I can step up to the plate. Right now I am fine with the sidelines. So stop....S-T-O-P....that doesn’t mean pause until further informed it means to cease from action. So please, stop telling me she made a bad choice, stop telling me he doesn’t deserve me, stop saying I’m better off without them...it isn’t true. None of it is. I love both of them deeper then you could know. I know every inch of their beings. That’s what you don’t get. I don’t think you understand that they live within me. I am not but one person. I am a combination of the love of those around me. You giving me more love WILL NOT fill the void that not sits where they once were. This is not directed at any one of you....this is directed at all of you. All that spoke to me about this. I bash the two of them. I know this. I have to get the negative energy out somehow but that doesn’t make it okay for you to bash them. As the silent tears stream down my cheek I gasp for the life that is slipping through my lips. My breath goes shallow and I sit knowing that the end is near. I can’t breathe anymore. I know that they are gone. They are dead to me. I feel like a woman whose husband and sister have gone off to war and then gets word that both have gone MIA. You then get a second calling saying both have been named dead but they can’t find the bodies. You have to have a service but can never truly accept that they are dead and have closure because you never say the body. You see. I know that the two of them are dead to me but I haven’t had the closure to be able to drop them. They will forever be in my mind and I will forever have the twinkle of hope that we will be together until I have closure. I talked to a friend. She’s an only child and many years younger than I. She was telling me about all the things that are going on in her life and it opened my eyes. She was like me. She is more mature than all her friends and she sees things that happen in the real world. She knows that there is more to life than who’s dating who and what’s happening in whose life. Gossip is a snake that suffocates those that get to close and she won’t give it the chance to grab her. It’s like I am living all over again because she comes to me with the things she don’t understand. I have been there and have lived it and learned from it and now I am passing my knowledge on to her so that she doesn’t have to hurt through it. She will learn her own lessons but she also is learning from me. It’s like breathing a breathe of fresh air. I spoke to a friend the other day and tried to describe the feeling of not being able to feel. She didn’t understand. I told her that the hardest part of Louie and I not being friends is that he taught me how to feel again. For two years I didn’t feel. I didn’t feel what love was like or hate. I just went through the motions but didn’t actually feel it. I described it as follows. It’s like being locked in a room for many months. You can look out your window and see all the people laughing and enjoying the fresh air but you know you can’t get there. Then someone comes to your door, grabs your hand and takes you to the front door, opens it and allows you a breath of fresh air. They allow you to stand there and absorb all the things that the outside has to offer. You are outside long enough to get used to it. Then the person grabs your hand again, this time with force, drags you back to a different room, this is a glass room, and relocks the door. You now can see nothing but the outdoors that you once had. You can’t avoid it. You’re friends that you made outside keep telling you to come out but you don’t know how. You know that the person who let you out at first is the only one that can get you out again. The experience is only a memory and as time goes on it seems less to be something that happened and more something you must have dreamed. You start to forget what the wind actually felt like and what the air surging through your lungs felt like. You know that the person isn’t going to come back and let you back out so you just sit there suffering for the thing you once had. At the beginning you didn’t know what it was like to be outside so you wondered but it didn’t hurt to not be out there, where as now, you know what it’s like to experience the outdoors and it’s like you’re being tortured to see it. I wish that I could put a board up the walls or be back in my first room. Be back in the room with the small window. I could avoid that window but now I can do nothing but look out at what I once had. I can see nothing but what he took away. Does that make more sense to people? I mean I don’t know what to say to you because you don’t know why I am so upset about this. I’m tired of you trying to cheer me up so I act like I’m fine. This is what’s wrong. None of you knew me before this all. You didn’t know that deep caverns of my heart that are bleeding due to the life that he stole from me. I feel like I am sitting above myself watching me going through the movements but not actually living. It’s like watching a play based on your life. You’re just sitting in the audience watching someone else be you but you have no actual relation to the story that is appearing before your eyes. Fresh red blood is trickling over these flushed cheeks. It is surging out of every pore. Everything inside of me is forcing itself out. Imagine every droplet of blood forcing itself out through your pores. The blood is dripping from the tips of my fingers on the keys. A river of blood is drowning these black lungs. Inhale a breath of smoke. Exhale my childhood. Exhale my life. Exhale my dreams and aspirations. The thick black oil slips down my throat and stops. My lungs have filled and the oil seeps out my nose and mouth. My body has been drained of all blood and the oil forces itself out for it has not life to feed on. Every bit of life that was within these walls of bone has died.

Strike two

You know what...I'm sorry...I'm the upfront, in your face, blunt as all fuck bitch. i know that. I tell ya what you don't want to hear but what (i believe) you need to. I love ya aight. Know that okay. Seriously I just can't not tell you these things....can you just accept that? i mean i don't want to hurt you and it seems like everytime i say something i make you cry....fuck this....i'm done...i don't know what to do anymore

Cna yuo raed tihs??? Yuo solhud be albe to....

Wyh do yuo keep donig tihs to me? Wyh cnat I cnrloto tihs feigeln? Tihs is nto fiar. I wnat tihs to be oevr. Cna yuo raed tihs? Myeab. Myebe nto. Tihs byo is kligiln me. I jsut dnot konw hwo mcuh mroe I cna sadtn tihs. I serwa eeyhnvrtig I do bekras me aatpr. I tyr to atc nraoml adn lkie ntigohn is wogrn. BTU ist a lei. Do yuo gte taht? Teh gyu in my pyhsc casls kesep saigtrn at me. Waht is wogrn wtih hmi? Deos he nto udrtnnesad taht I htae hmi? GDO I HTAE MNE!!!!! Srosyeiul raor…polepe keep tynrig to sya tehy udrtnnesad btu I konw tehy dnot. FCUK!!! Im dnoe….no mroe of tihs carp. Tihs is blsiulht. Im dnoe. I tikhn I lkie a byo. I am nto srue toghuh. He akdse if I wudol seple wtih hmi…I dnot konw if I wudol. I mgtih btu I jsut cnat tlel. He is scuh a setwe kdid. Teh hrad tighn is taht I lvoe smoeoen esle. Gretart is srosyeiul oen of teh bsfinsetred I hvae eevr hda. I dnot tikhn he udrtnsnesad hwo mcuh he masen to me. I konw taht I wudol ksis hmi in a hateterba. Is taht bda to wnat to ksis yuor bsfinsetred? Tihs losok lkie a bnhuc of bblabe. Dnot yuo arege? Wyh is lvoe scuh a piflanu tighn? I wsih i lvdie smweeoehr lkie Idani OR eevn bteetr Grnyema. I wnat to be smweeoehr taht i cna be me and teehr is lses jdeetugmn. I wnat to be albe to be bsxaieul adn nto be jdeugd. I htae taht i cnat hvae a grfinilred adn nto hvae my fmlaiy ratec in a cayrz wya. Tihs is woh i am. Cna eeynvroe ecpxet taht? Yse i lkie gsyu btu i lkie grsil aslo. Is that oaky wtih yuo? Hnsloety? Tlel me teh tuhrt...tasht waht i wnat. Ist teh tuhrt. Yueor spoeupsd to be my finsred rgtih? Be hnsoet whit me.

So nwe sbetujc...my mteohr is a bthic. I lvoe hre...ralely i do btu taht denost maen i lkie hre. I ralely ejyno wiigrtn lkie tihs. It wasen otu teh polepe taht cna raed tihs. Dvnei tihs is nnoe of hsi bsnsuies nro is it my mtesohr. HA i wni. I lvoe yuo hnaanh adn lcsua. Yuo tow mkae me hpirape tahn yuo wlil eevr konw. I lvoe yuo so mcuh. Takhn yuo fro eeyhnvrtig yuvoe dnoe fro me.

--Sehtsa

P.S. Hnaanh adn Lcsua if yuo udrtosnesod tish lte me konw. Tihs is my nwe fvrtaoie wya to wiert bcueeas ist all sceert adn suftf :)

AH-huh?

So I am sure you have experienced an Ah-ha moment. Well I have a lot of those but that’s not it. I have been having a lot of Ah-huh? Moments. I just don’t get it. I think I get it and then I’m lost. Today was one of those moments. I woke up this morning to my brother calling me telling me that we had to leave for church in 10 minutes. It was crazy. I was stressed from the beginning. And then me and my mom fought…heinously for like 30 minutes. It just wasn’t good but then…I dunno it’s like I finally got hit. You know…those ah-ha moments where it just hits you…who knows what it is that hits you but it does. It hit me that my mom and I aren’t so different. We’ve both been through SOO much crap. Sometimes I just don’t know what I am gonna do. I can’t stand her andi think it’s because she thinks she knows whats wrong with me but when it actually comes down to it she doesn’t. She abuses her parent priveledge and it’s killing me. I’m around her and there are so many things I want to tell her but can’t. I want to tell her that I really want to move out. I want to tell her and I have loved deeper then I ever thought I could and have her understand. I want to tell her that part of the reason losing her is killing me is because I LOVE HER. I do….she’s more than my sister. She’s the gorgeous girl and cuddles into me whenever something goes wrong. She’s the one who told me it was okay to be attracted to females. I try to tell my mom about this deep deep love for him and all I get is “you always give too much of yourself…you know you’re gonna get hurt before you even start”. How would you feel if every time you try to tell someone about something that has built you up higher then you’ve ever been and has broken you down farther than almost losing your brother(and that’s low) and all you get is, “it’s your fault you gave that much”…that hurts. It makes me want to cry that I just can’t make her understand. I have cried. I cried today the whole time my mom and I talked. I think it was just letting everyone out from my babygirl and from Alkboy. I feel like everything I am has been taken from me. I gave everything I could to them. I took on all his problems with work and whenever he and Jim would fight. Anytime he needed to vent about anyone I was there. And then he left me. With her…I supported her relationship with her girlfriend. I was there when all her friends left her. I have spent money that I almost didn’t have on her because she had NO clothes. What more could I give. These are two of the people that I gave the most of me to. I just don’t know what to do without them. It is killing me inside. It’s breaking me apart. I can’t do this. I am empty all over again and I don’t know how to get that back. I seriously don’t think there is anything anyone can do. My heart is completely broken due to the loss of a sister and the loss of a friend. It feels like they’ve died and it all happened within a one month period. If ANYONE has any idea how to fill me please let me know…..i feel like I am decaying from the inside out. By the time I look like I’m dying I will already be dead inside…

What does thankful mean?

Today is a day that we are supposed to sit and ponder all the thing we are thankful for. Well can i say i'm thankful for nothing. Not no thing but nothing. The ability to have nothing going on and to have the nothingness in your life. That is what i'm thankful for. Today i got absolutely furious with my mother. Her and my father are going wine tasting tomorrow in NEWBERG of all places. Well you see, Newberg is where i have my greatest support network and the vast amount of my beloved friends and my mom won't bring me with. She said that being in newberg once a week is sufficient. It's infuriating that she can be so selfish but at the same time I'm okay with it. She can go and get drunk until her brain melts and i'll sit back at home and do whatever i want. Though I truly do want to be spending my day in newberg I think it'll be okay. What makes me want to scream is that she's second guessing whether i should go on Sunday to hang out with my boy. Well you see...this is selfish of her. She is abusing her power as my mother. If she says no...i'm gonna say suck it because you know what...i am going to go. If i want to go to newberg then i am going to newberg and she can ground me when i get back.

My heart is aching today...I'm trying so hard to be quit with the drugs and the alcohol but what i really want to do right now is smoke/drink away the pain that is overwhelming my body. It's nothing specific that is killing me. More just everything. The want to be comforted in someone's arms. The suffering of knowing who i want and who i am giving up. It's like love is an addiction. When you fall in love getting rid of that person is SO hard that you end up getting addicted to other things trying to break your addiction to them. Those who have not been addicted may be confused but it makes sense to me. I was so addicted to him and my love for him that I decided to hate him...well now i am addicted to the hate and the love has conquered that. How do i be done all together. BASICALLY it would be like being an alcoholic...you try to quit dirnking so you start smoking...well you see now you are addicted to smoking. You find a way to quit and now there is nothing stopping you from drinking. You are fine and then someone offers you a drink...saying no is the hardest thing ever. Now that you've accepted the drink you have to find a way to not make one lead to another....I got offered a drink and i am slowly falling back into the habit of him...

BUT you wanna know what? I am thankful for him. More than anyone can understand. I am so glad that he has done to me what he has. The fact that he broke me only made me stronger and as i look at it...I am so much stronger. Though it kills me...I am better now...

FUCK YOU WORLD!!!! I'm in control

Who knew that the words of a friend could change your outlook in a mere few hours? A woman that I very much respect spoke to me for four hours today. We talked a lot about her life and how she managed to conquer her demons that I am now presented with. I see now why she has worried about me. What I am going through in my life is very similar to what she went through just years ago. She talked to me about all the things that she is afraid I will get caught up in that she couldn’t due to the child that she had. This somehow empowered me. She told me how there are so many things in my life that I try to control and that I can’t control. I cannot control if it will rain or other peoples actions. I can however choose how I am gong to react to that. The only things I can control are me and my actions. I came home tonight truly feeling like I had a whole new strength. I can’t control what baby girl or Alkboy do to hurt me. That’s them and you know what. I can hurt but that doesn’t mean that hurt has to own my life. I am my own person. I am a strong and beautiful person and only I have the power to control my destiny…HA TAKE THAT WORLD

It's Over.....I'm done....

Well then I guess this is it. I thought there was more to us then that but I guess I was wrong. My heart is confused and wrapped around your words. My heart is suffocating by the words you have written. I loved you. I still do love you. I can’t breathe. I am not staring at you, trying to figure you out, I am staring at you because I want to know what you are feeling. I want to know what it is that I have done wrong. Have I hurt you? Did I break you like you broke me. This girl, you said you had a girlfriend. Does she treat you like you deserve to be treated. Does she love you and know your secrets. Can you call her at midnight and talk until 2 telling her everything about your day and knowing that she cares. Can you trust her with all your secrets about you mom and how you feel about your friends. Do you know that no matter what happens she is going to be there to listen to you? I didn’t think so. She isn’t what you need. I am. I dropped everything to talk to you the night that everything with Alyssa fell apart. I stayed awake on nights that I thought I was gonna pass out because you needed to talk. I am the one you told all your secrets with. Maybe that scared you. It is because I am all you need that you ran to somoene else. The reason that you broke my heart and left me to bleed. Why can’t you just see that I was the best friend you were ever going to have and you threw that away because you were stupid and selfish. What is wrong with you? Why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this from you? Why can’t I be all you need? Is it because your friends wouldn’t accept our relationship or what? I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t want you to walk into MY church and break my heart with you faze. I want you to go as far away from me as you can. I don’t want you anymore. I can’t want you anymore. I can’t bear to be near you. I just don’t know what I’ll do. I want to look into your eyes and see what I used to see. I want you to want me again. This is so hard for me. You say you are dating some girl. Some skanky whorish bitch I’ll assumer. With the way you treat females that’s all you could get. You’re a fucker and you don’t deserve anyone. You deserved me, but I was too good for you. You ran away from the best thing that has ever happened to you. You’ll see that at one point. I’ll get a boyfriend and you’ll see how great I am to them and you’ll see that, that is the way you wanted to be treated. You’ll see what you’re missing out on. You’ll suffer through this. All I wanted was you. I wanted you back with me. But you took advantage of the nice, naïve and beautiful. I wish I could just press a button on my heart to stop it from loving you. I don’t know how to love you nymore. I can’t ever have you in my life anymore. I don’t want you to come over. I don’t want you to be my brothers friend. I just don’t want you anymore. I love you and need you and want you in my life but I can’t have you. It’s too hard to see you and not want you. But I can’t do what you want me to. I can’t forget the best and worst moments of my life. Of my summer. This summer was seriously the most confusing time ever. It was also the most enjoyable. Almost, all thanks to you. I have cried more over you then over anyone else. You’ve done it. You’ve taught me why not to love. This week I have turned off my emotions and though there are tears welling up in my eyes no one else knows they are there. They will not fall upon my cheek but instead just block me from seeing the truth and love in the world. To me, now all of it is fake. No one can truly love. There is always hate, always confusion, always betrayal. You did this for me. You taught me the truth. So thank you I guess. Thank you for ruining love for me. You’ve done your dead. Now be gone with you…

Rebel against your enemy

What is this thing called love and what has it done to this broken nation? Do we rebel to earn back our freedom from this hell ridden emotion or do we surrender our hearts knowing if we don't it will surely be a massacre? What can we do to step up to this land and proclaim our rights? Do we have rights over our hearts and our love? Should the people of this world stand up and scream for what is rightfully theirs? Speak out and inform those around you that this is not how we should live.... But is that in fact how we should live? I mean seriously can love control these lives that we know not how to live? What is this confusion that has sunked deep into my soul. A single tear has again trickled down my cheek and i know not what to do. Cry out and scream for the emotions that i have lost control of. This confusion grasping onto all that i am. I reach for the door only to find it locked. Where do you go from here. Your heart is mangled and far beyond reach and you, yourself, are breaking down into unrecognizable pieces. Why am I stuck here in a world so unforgiving? I see beauty in the little things but yet to me it is dead....What am I supposed to do?

It's sucking majorly but I, as one of the weak population, have surrendered my heart and have stepped back to watch the damage occur. It's true. I the leader of this rebellion has stepped down. i just can't bear to have my heart have one more major hit. It would kill me. I would fall to my knees and crumple into the nothingness i deserve to be. This is true. You may not see it, but it is. Now...my friends....it is your turn to throw in the towel and try to find a way to heal your heart from this unforgiving pain....

Do you really know?

Why is it that every time I need someone you are there? You aren’t the first one I want but you are always the one I get. I just don’t get it. There is this other male and he is the one that I wan but he is NEVER there when I need him. Why are you? Is there a specific reason I just don’t get it. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there. I don’t want to have to worry about you have feelings for me and me having feelings for you. I don’t want to feel this way. You are confusing me. You’ll never fit in with my friends, you just aren’t like them. You’ll say something and make things awkward or something of the sort. I understand you but that doesn’t mean anyone else does. I speak you’re language. The way you think and feel makes sense to me. But my friends are different. That boy I love would mock you at all cost. He wouldn’t care if you made sense to me; the point is that you don’t make sense to him. You’re different and he doesn’t like that, plus between that and the fact that we are so close, he would make your life a living hell. He’d be jealous I just know it and it wouldn’t make things very fun for you. Being my friend is a dangerous act when you aren’t like the rest of my friends. I want you to be like them. I want you to be understood. I don’t know I might just want you. I know I want him but that doesn’t mean I can have him. If I could I would come home everyday and curl into bed with him. That’s how I want the rest of my life to be. I know he can be detached and critical but that’s part of what I love about him. He completes me. See he is the critical, overly lax, insensitive part and then I am the sensitive, understanding, “up tight”, serious one. They work together. He is determined and has an end point. He knows where he is going and what he wants to make of himself. That is good and amazing and I love it. See you, you are amazing, but, you aren’t sure. You don’t know where you are going. You are still irrational and don’t quite see the whole picture. You are amazing. You truly are. But I can’t do amazing, I am at the point in my life where I want realistic. Do I even really know what I want? I don’t. I want to be done with my life. I want to learn everything I was supposed to learn and move forward. I want to know that I have almost died and have everyone just accept that and move on. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be able to tell my grandparents and parents and great grandparents that I am bisexual and enjoy the company of females. That isn’t something they need to know but something they should. Being my family they should know that. It’s their business. I want grandma to know. I want her to know the truth. I don’t want grandma to know, not knowing who I truly am. My grandma is one of the people I love most in this world and the person I want to grow up to be so doesn't she deserve to know the truth about me? Does that define who I am?

Life in Pergatory-written 11.6

Run far away from this world you have said to understand. You don’t really understand what is going on, you just think you do. See the thing is that when you walk and talk and live through each day you are just slowly dying. Every single moment your breaths are growing slower and your heart is growing weak. You think that you can live through anything but you are wrong. This is something that you will not learn until you are old and crippled sitting watching your life pass before your eyes. See teenagers believe that they are invincible. Well hate to burst your pretty pink bubble but, you have a higher chance of dying then your parents. Such to be you now doesn’t it. See teenagers believing that they are invincible are also reckless. Drunk driving, drugs, reckless attitudes are what kill teenagers. Everyday I can think of many people that die. Sometimes they are someone close to you, sometimes they are an important governmental figure and sometimes they are a world leader. There are times that you don’t know the person that dies but just their story. Why is it that people gain so much more importance after death? Two people died this week. They were dropped at the end of a man’s drive way on Highway 226. Well you see did people know about them before this week? Probably not, but now that they have been found dead in a strange place they are the center of many people's stories. What is wrong with people these days? We focus so on the death not the life. Our youth will one day die off and will we know them? I don’t know. Will you know me? Will I have made a big enough print on the world that you will remember me? I don’t know. Do I want to know?

What is wrong with me? I am this strange undeniable being. I don’t think I’m human but I then know not what I am. I ramble like you do. Does that make me different? A friend types the following, “Walking backwards upstream screams how much I want to LIVE”. Does that have a meaning? If you think about it I can think of a way to make sense of the nonsense that is this life. I understand not the phrases of things but then again does anyone. Doesn’t everyone really just interpret things how they think they are and not truly understand things how the other people are saying it. Today is not a day unlike any other day. Today is a day that is just another spinning cycle in the giant web of life. Life is just a metaphor for death in this world. Really we have lived before and where we are now is this eternal limbo, we are in pergatory. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find that we really are in pregatory and that we haven’t had this life as our only? That’s why some people have to die so young is because the older you are the longer you have been in pergatory and so the babies that die have just been accepted sooner. Damn would that suck if it were true.

I left my heart in the back of an old pick-up truck. You don’t see me crying as it drives away.

Give me your poison; I’ll drink it with my wine. Dining with the devil and all his closest friends.

No face in the mirror

Running through a house. No face to be seen. I don’t know if I am just not here or if I just have but no reflection. Am I but a lifeless creature? What is this life I was given? Is this what is to come? Is this how others see me, lifeless, hidden and a faceless child, unaware of where she trod. Maybe this is trying to teach her something. She isn’t really sure. Mirror after mirror she sees nothing just a reflection of what is behind her. She isn’t here. You can’t see her nor can she see herself. Is it she or I that we are talking about? Am I she? Is this possible that I may write of a girl that so seeks to find herself but she is so hidden that she cannot find her anywhere. It’s like running around looking in windows and instead of seeing yourself in the reflection you see nothing, only what is on the other side of the window itself. I don’t understand this. Who Am I? Who is she? I can’t place these thoughts and where I am going. Maybe I am in fact this girl that I speak of, the girl that seeks nothing but herself. Running about trying to find myself. I am lost in this vortex of what I am. Phone ringing in my head. Voices scattered through my thoughts. Unsure of what they are saying to me. I can’t decipher this multitude of voices and noises that have corrupted my once sound train of thought. Where have I gone? Maybe the train that I have ridden through life has been derailed and is off in a world that no one knows of. Have I but discovered something new? I know not. Everyday I sit and I wonder when I will find myself. It seems as though there are people out there that know who I am. Will they share the insight? I want to know who I am. I look around at everything that is my life, trying to find me. I want to find even the smallest residual of what I ones was. I am afraid of who I am now. Not because it’s bad but because I don’t know who I am. She hands me a mirror and I can only see who I ones was, that isn’t me anymore. Who am I now?

He almost died....

I’ve learned what my major weakness is. I am a bitch. I was talking to a friend and said that everyone has something that they are really good at that they need to quit doing. Well I’ve figured out what mine is. I am really good at speaking my mind and putting it all out there. This can be a good thing…but usually it’s a bad thing. I hurt a really good friend and though right now I don’t feel it, I know I’m going to feel horrible later. I wish that I could feel things. It’s weird just living and not caring about anything. I found out last night that Pimp Daddy almost died yesterday morning. He flipped the Marquee tail over head into a ditch. When he told me I was worried but I knew that he was okay, obviously because he was sitting next to me, but if he wouldn’t have been I don’t know what I would have done. I honestly don’t know if it would have been the last card that knocked over the house of cards or if it would have just been one more to help stabilize it. I honestly have no idea. I mean it made me laugh that he was that dumb but I didn’t FEEL worried. I just knew that I should have been, so I acted accordingly. I haven’t talked to Alkboy in about a week and I don’t feel anything. I mean the thoughts go through my head of “is he okay” and “is he mad at me” and “should I call to let him know I care”….but I’m not worried or scared. I love him but that isn’t enough. Rose asked me yesterday if loving me is enough and I guess (no matter how much this hurts) the answer is no. Sometimes it’s not enough. The only reason I know it’s not enough is because I’m living it. I love with all that I am, and I’m not enough. I promise you though, Rose that I won’t do what Alkboy did and leave. I’m still here, even if it isn’t enough to make me feel or enough to make me trust people. Who knew that two boys could take so much from you? They’ve taken my trust, my hope, my perseverance, and my reason to care. That’s a lot if you think about it. All I want is You. Who You are, only I can tell. As this fire burns down my cheek I feel it not on my skin but searing into my soul. I’m burning from the inside out, and no one can put this fire out. Only You know how to stop this fire from consuming me. Pull me out from this flame, where the lightening strikes as I stand in cold blood. “Somewhere over the rainbow the dreams you dare to dream really do come true”…find me my rainbow so this dream that tearing apart my heart can come true. It’s a dream that none but know. You know this dream, and You have not helped so it sits tearing apart my being. CD lays and calms my tears; reminding me there is a life for me outside this death I’m become. I am but a walking ghost that You can not but feel. You reach out to me and your hands go right through me, touching not my soul. My soul is no longer here, just a body striving to find life in something. The dagger has been put away, it’s not needed, You cannot kill something that is already dead. There is nothing any of you can do to resuscitate this lifeless being.

How do you know what is real? Is something material real? Or is it just something that you have faith in? am I real? I am here and material but I don’t feel. Does that make me fake. What is this word we refer as real. Real, genuine, actual. factual, existent, walid, true, sincere, unfeigned, frank, heartfelt, unaffected, truthful, authentic, honest. That is what real is. That is not me. I am not heartful or sincere, I am definitely not existent. God damn it all…

Don't even try to translate it....

Я бегу от Вас. Знание я травмировал Вас и не знающий, как реагировать. Вы больны, пакинг, и я не могу делать с этим ничто. Что Вы хотите, чтобы я сказал? Сделайте Вы хотите, чтобы я сказал это иснт ваша ошибка. Но тогда я был бы лиинг. Джек - мальчик, которого Вы любите, тот, который Вы скрываете внутри. И что Вы делаете?Хорошо Вы пробуете держать Джека и Мандарин к вам непосредственно. Мандарин навещает, и Вы хотели его как близко к Вам насколько возможно. Вы останавливались, чтобы думать, что я нуждаюсь в нем к? Независимо от того, что я не гоинт, чтобы пробовать понять. Я нахожусь только в боли прямо сейчас. Ничто, которое Вы вызвали, ничто, Вы не можете помочь. Мое сердце кровоточит, и я умираю. Что, если это было последним, Вы услышали из меня? Крик? .... это является тем, что я думал.

Sitting alone, Feeling nothing

So I’m trying to figure out how to word my thoughts. I spent like 45 minutes talking to Cindy yesterday. She is such a great person. I was talking to her about Andrew and about alkboy and how I felt alone. I told her that I wanted to help Andrew and that I didn’t know how because I was still afraid to be near him. She told me to write a letter. So I did. I’ve edited it like twice so far. I feel as though I will keep editing it until it’s perfect (and knowing me that could be weeks). I really want to help him and I care so much about him still. I always will but that doesn’t change that I want nothing to do with him. I’ve been having moments lately this week that I wish my life was a part of history and no longer present time. I don’t know how to tell people what’s going through my mind. I feel abandoned and at a lack for importance. This may not be true but that’s how it feels. It’s like Alkboy is mad at me and couldn’t care less about what happens to me, Rose is too busy caught up in having it herself and keeping Tangerine and Jack to herself that she’s too busy for me. Daisy is here for me but she has her own fair share of crap and I’m trying not to add more and I don’t want to seem as though I’m complaining. I can’t really tell Fuchsia because we are just now getting to be good friends and I don’t think she’d get it. Pimp Daddy I can talk to and we were going to but his dumb-ass father told us we couldn’t hang out. I just want to turn and scream. I want to get in a car and drive until I can’t drive anymore. I know this sounds irrational but it’s true. I am out of the loop and confused and want to just run. I don’t want to be the center of anyone’s world and I don’t know what’s wrong with me but lately it’s just like nothing is working. I feel so depressed and I’m trying to act normal. I’m trying to act as though everything is fine. I wish I could do what I’ve done this week which is curl up on my bed and watch NCIS. It was nice having time to myself. I am just so confused. We have Charlie now too and he slept with me last night. He’s so cuddly and I know he trusts me. I’m the only one he follows and knows isn’t going to hurt me. I think we just understand each other, I know he won’t hurt me and god knows I wouldn’t ever hurt him. I hate that the artist and I messed up the friendship we had. I’m just afraid to get close to him again because jeez he blew me off once when it was important, how do I know it won’t happen again. I’m sure he’d listen if I needed to talk and maybe I’ll take advantage of that. I really want to talk to the dancer. He always listens and tells me what I need to hear. Not only does he tell me what I need to hear but he tells me the truth. I know I’ll always have a place in his life. He cares about me, I know it’s true. I pissed off his girlfriend and he backed me, not because he loves me but because he trusted what I told him. Can I just run away for a few days? I have friends that would house me. Just get away from all the people I mention in this entry. You should know who you are. I hope you understand what you’re doing to me. You may not even notice it or know that you’re doing it but you are. I want to be at home right now cuddling with my Charliedog. I sure hope we can keep him. I knew as soon as I saw him that I would love him. He’s different from Mooka, he just lays there and he listens attentively, he cuddles and he trusts me. He slept with me last night and the only time he moved was to get closer to me. I wish I had a boyfriend like him. With the exception of the fact that he was abused. Poor baby. One of these days I am just going to get ona bus and ride until I can’t figure out where else to ride. Just randomly switch buses. I just wanna turn off my cell phone and go. Leave, I don’t know where I would go, but I would just go until I couldn’t go anymore…I want to be wth Tangerine right now. He makes me feel happy. He doesn’t have to know what’s happening but he always seems to understand. I love that about him. That’s it, I’m leaving. The planning has begun. (oh and FYI....the picture...is my charlie...)

Follow my footsteps and end up in hell

So I am worried. I am worried about multiple people. My little brother almost got suspended for racial things. Like the fact that he allowed his friend to call him a "jewbitch". I am really mad and want to beat down that friend. Andrew though is who I am most worried about. I know I shouldn't care and I should want him to burn in hell but I don't I care a lot about him still and I always will. He was like an older brother to me for like 10 years and thta doens't just get thrown away. I've known him longer then I have known my own brothers. You see the thing is that when I see him, he looks like hell and I think his girlfriend is seriously hurting him when it comes to hus health. I am worried that he is going to hurt himself. I want to help him. Part of me feels that this is what he deserves and the other part wants to help him. Gosh dang it. i hate this feeling. I will always care about him. In my eyes he made a really bad choice and it is something I will always blame him for, BUT, he isn't a bad person. He is someone who messed up, but that mad thing doesn't form who he is. I mean seriously I have a ticket on my permanent record saying I got so drunk I got hospitalized for 36 hours, but that doesn't define who I am. i am not the alcoholic teenager that goes out partying everyweekend (though some people assume that when they hear about that fact of my life). Likewise, he raped me but that doesn't mean he would do it again, it doesn't mean he's ever done it to someone else, it doesn't make him a rapist. It makes him someone who messed up. He'll have to figure that out but in the mean time I want to help him and get him back to the point where we can be friends. I am so afraid that he is going to fail at PCC. I want to take it upon myself to make sure he at least doesn't fail psych. I mean that is MY school. I know how things run, I can help him. The real question though is....am I ready to help him?

And this is how you respond

So you called me today, you said you got my letter but didn’t have time to talk. I don’t get it. You said, “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. Lets just let everything that’s happened be behind us.” Okay I can do that. But are you saying this is all my fault? Everything is my fault. You fucked up to ya know. I didn’t mess it up on my own. I just don’t get you. I am just kinda going with the flow, I guess, and not gonna get irritated with you because I don’t wanna remess this up. I want to scream at you. I want to run around crying because my brain's exploding. I want to understand. I am really frustrated that you aren't taking any of this fault on you. Seriously why? Why me? Why can't I just listen to my friends and drop you like a hot rock? Set you down and walk away and leave it there. There have been nights that I have wished that I could just walk away from you forever but it would K-I-L-L me. I cna't lose you. I love you. Damn you, I blame you for this. I honestly do. I hate you for this.

Heart's left bleeding on the floor

So what is this? All I wanted to do was explain to you why I am how I am. BUT NO, instead of saying you understand and are sorry you just say "well i know people that have it worse". I don't care if someone had it worse, i had it as bad as I could take it. "just quit being so depressed" yeah well fuck you, it's not that easy. It's not like I am always depressed it's just that i have my moments when I need someone and I've learned that it's not you. The only way I can describe how I'm feeling is it feels like my heart's been shred to pieces and i'm sitting here on the floor in my own pool of blood and you're just watching as i bleed to death. You don't care that I'm dying. You just care about telling me that, it could be worse. You're right my brother could have just died. He didn't have to just code he could have just flat out died. Would that make you feel better. Would that make the passed 5 years the worse possible. Oh or maybe I coulda gotten pregnant. That's it, what happened in February could have left me pregnant. Would that makes things worse. How about if I would have just died when i tried so many times. Would you even care? Miss me even a little bit? I highly doubt it. I just want you to understand and to tell me it's gonna be alright and to tell me he isn't gonna try to get near me or do anything like in February. Please just tell me you'll protect me but you won't. I know this now. i know that you don't really care. What can I do to make you understand. I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!! There I said it. You've broken my heart that's it. "I only wish my words could convince myself it just wasn't real but that's not the way it feels". Thank God fo Jim Croce

So tell me...are you gay?

We spoke like there was no block. I don’t understand how you can just brush things off like nothing happened. I love you, I don’t know if you know that but it’s true. My heart is in your hands and it’s like you haven’t acknowledged it’s there yet. When will you know? When will you notice and take action? I don’t care if this is that you give my heart back or if you keep it. I just want you to acknowledge that you have it.

So I have just one question? Who are you? I know who I am, and I know who you are. But the real question is do you know who you are? This isn’t something you have to think of very often but I want you to think about it. Think really hard. Include every aspect of your life. What is your reason for living? You do have a reason. You don’t really want to die. You just want to be known. Why do you shoot everyone down so much? Is that just so you make yourself feel better? If you must shoot me down then you have issues. I am the kid that almost killed herself a week and a half ago but no, you don’t know that because you haven’t given me the time of day. If you knew that would you stop pushing me down? My life isn’t something for you to abuse. You say I am always fighting back. Well wouldn’t you. If someone was just sitting there making fun of everything you did, of everything you thought and believed and said. You’d feel like crap like I do. Except maybe you’re stronger then I am, maybe you’d be able to brush it off but after a while of things picking away at my life I sit there and hold knife and scare myself. I don’t want to die but sometimes I just break. You don’t know this though because you haven’t given me the time of day. Sometimes when I say I hate you and say “fuck you” I mean it. I honestly wish sometimes that someone would just beat (literally) some sense into you. Being on the beach you were amazing. I wonder almost that if Violet wasn’t there if you would have just held me. That’s what I need, you know. I need you to just hold me and show you care. Do you understand how you hurt me? I hate that you hurt me and I want to be with you, not romantically but just there…God damn you and being a workaholic. I call seeing if you want to come see me for 2 HOURS, only 2 but no you have to help out at your cousin’s salon. I think I’ve figured out why you are being this way….you must be gay. That’s it I figured it out. Well at least you could have told me. I am more then accepting of that. I mean honestly I’ll still be a close friend, I just know now that since (in my eyes) you are gay, I can hook you up with my gay friends. Then you can be happy and things can go back to the way they were. Well I’m glad I have this all narrowed down. Now can things go back to normal now? Seriously just be honest with me and I’ll be accepting…

I just talked to you. I don’t think you understand. You said that if I wanted to end this friendship right here. I could just say the word. You obviously don’t get how important you are to me. You say that I take things too seriously. Well the thing is that with everything that has happened in my life with Javad, you have to take things seriously. I used to be able to take things jokingly but I just can’t anymore. Everything I ever believed was changed like 5 years ago. I tried to be a kid and it’s not that easy. The things that are constantly running through my mind are, “Could this day be his last?”, “Will today be the day I get a call saying it’s over?”, “Is tomorrow going to change my life forever?” I don’t think you understand that one of the most important things in my life has almost died TWICE and there was nothing I could do. I don’t share a blood type so I can give him NOTHING. He was my reason for living for 3 years and I almost lost him once in the time. You weren’t here then. You didn’t see it happen. Yeah I know that Adam isn’t like this but he wasn’t here. He wasn’t there when he was born. He was told that he could see him so had to result to standing on a vacuum cleaner trying to see through the ICU window. He didn’t lose every one of his friends because his brother was “defective”. I was told once that it must be partially my fault since we share a mother, that I must have something wrong with me as well. Do you know how much that affects a 12 year old? When someone tells you that there must be something wrong with you because you’re brother is sick. I can’t take things as a joke. I try really hard but most of the time it just doesn’t work. My life has been formed around fear. So because of this instead of attaching myself to the things I love I try to turn and walk away. Well the thing is with you is that I sometimes try to walk away, and it feels like you let me, like you’re pushing me. It makes it really easy to run from you and I’m trying to change and make myself stay. I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to me; I just can’t help but feel sometimes like it’s either your rep or me. I don’t want you to change; you said you would try if I asked. I love who you are because you are you and no one else. You don’t act like you care what other people think, though I know you do at times. Things can’t be easy trying to be the guy that everyone likes. Tell me, how do you do it, being the people pleaser that you are. Ever been a knight in shining armor? I’m sure you have. You just didn’t know it. I haven’t been having issues because I like you, I can handle us not being, what I can’t handle though, is you not being here. I just want you to be here for me, like I have been for you. I don’t break down often, and the other night was really scary. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I just wanted you to be there to hold me. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want you because I liked you either; I wanted you because you’re my best friend and I knew you cared. I hope you know that if there were ever a time you needed me I’d be there. I think you know that by now though. The only thing though is that this HAS TO be a two way street. I’ve got baggage, you know. I’ve been through my fair (and unfair) amount of shit. I’ve been around the block a few times, I know my way around this place called hell. I know you have baggage too even though you pack it into the smallest space possible. I’m just upfront about it. Why can’t you be? You say I’m your best friend but obviously not. I say that for two reasons 1) you said earlier that if I wanted to end this friendship I could and if I were your best friend you wouldn’t have said that because you’d want to find a way to make it work and 2) you never tell me anything anymore. You said that I hadn’t called you lately well you were the one that quit calling me. You are the one that used to call me everyday and I was fine with that. I’ll just have to start calling you again. I miss talking to you. I miss having something to look forward to every night. I just miss you. I’ve never been like this with someone. I want to have just us time that we can just hang out and chill. We never get to have that. You’re always so busy. I’m busy too and I just want there to be time. I don’t always want to see you around the guys. I want to see you, how you are with me, like you were that night you stayed over. I want to see you like that more often. Just hanging out and chilling.

Somehow you’ve managed to distract me from my classes. You are on my mind because I want you to understand. I wish I could just make you get it. My whole life has changed this summer. Did you notice that. Where I stand in half my families life has changed. I’ve lost importance so I seek it out elsewhere. Like from you. One of these days I will show up on your doorstep just because I need to see you. I know it is going to happen. I know that as soon as I have a car, yours will be the house I show up at. I’ll call to say hello and tell you to anwer the door and you’ll be confused and then I’ll be there. And we can sit and look at the stars and just be. That’s all I need, is to just be. Can you teach me to be?

A weekend to reckon with--written 9.30

Today is a day unlike any other day. I don’t quite know how to put it in to words. It’s strange because I am here at this youth retreat and not knowing what to do. I mean I thought I was going to be the only girl but then this gir Violet is here and she used to go to our church then her family quit coming and now she is back again. We’re realy clicking though. She’s really cool and I think we could have a really awesome friendship if I let it happen. The things that is starting to both me though is that Louie is here and he won’t talk to me. It’s like he’s totally avioding me. If he goes somewhere and I follow he turns and walks the other direction. It kind of hurts because I thought I was his best friend and now he’s acting like he doesn’t even know me and that hurts. Whatever happen to not wanting to hurt me? It’s okay he’s just being a bitch. Well on a REALLY REALLY happy note, I got to see Lucas today. It was awesome because he said he was gonna come by and so he came and we got to hang out and Vi hung out with us. He brought Mt.Dew and it makes mehappy because I now have a 2 Liter Mt. Dew. I am going to share with Vi but still. Who else has friends that shows up when they’re at a retreat and brngs Mt.Dew and hangs out until midnight. That made me so happy. We were hugging and I just didn’t want to let go. I mean seriously I just wanted to get hugged forever cause it was definitely what I needed. I also knew that if I quit hugging him that he would leave and then I would have to go upstairs and think with myself. I wish he could have stayed. Honestly that would have been really REALLY cool. Just kinda stayed the night and stuff. His mom wouldn’t have cared. He can just come and go as he pleases. He might bring coffee tomorrow, and he said he’s going to make us a cake and bring it. He’s just the sweetest guy. I wish all guys were like him but God damn it they aren’t. If I could wish for anything I would wish that Louie could learn from Lucas. This is the other thing. Lucas was teasing me and Louie was like “hey I like this kidd already” so see if he likes him then can’t he just be more like him. I love Louie’s personality and stuff, I just don’t like how he’s making me feel lately. He’s just being a heart breaker and that sucks just about as much as it possibly can. I have been putting off doing homework like all week and if I don’t do it soon, it’s going to bite me in the ass. I seriously can’t afford to get anything less then a C in any of my classes and a C is only exceptable in either Western Civ or Bio but NOT both. Seriously what’s wrong with me…why can’t I just win and get A’s in all my classes. On and I didn’t say that Andrew is back in town and he is going to PCC. How did I find this out you might ask…well he’s in my Psych class. I am really NOT happy about it but I guess I’ll get used to it. Shauna wants me to spy on him for her so that she can know that he is okay and that he is healthy. She’s really worried about him and I think that’s valid so I agreed to it. I dunno. Plus I am doing it partially just to spite him but we’ll see how it goes….


Today is something I don’t quite have words for. I couldn’t understand the warmth I felt deep in my guts. It’s the same feeling as when you’re holding fresh warm bread on a cold day, comfort. I’m so thankful for the ocean and being able to hear the wave. It’s really cool being able to hear the waves and smell them from anywhere by the cabin. I’m also thankful for how close Louis and I are getting again. Like old times. My true blessing though has been Lucas. He showed up last night and today he brought my cake. Not something he had to do but something he chooses to. Friends are such a blessing and with out them I don’t know how I’m making it through each day. The sky is a serene blue while the sand is a smooth untouchable surface. It’s nice to know that some things are untouched.

This week overall has been really hard. I just feel alone. I don’t wanna tell anyone but him about how I’m feeling, but he doesn’t have time to talk. It’s hard to love someone that doesn’t give you the time of day. Am I that unimportant? It makes me sad that I have no one to talk to. I’m supposed to be the one that has it all together, but I don’t and sometimes I just break. The other night really scared me, but I couldn’t call, he wouldn’t be there. God damn

And so he reappears-written 9.27

So today is something different. I am so freakin’ irritated. It’s because he’s here. HE is here. I seriosuly don’t know what’s going on. I haven’t seen him since February and that night. But no he had to walk into my psych class today, head held high. He transferred in from the other 101 class. Of course. I swear if I find out he knew I was in this class I’m going to murder him. He is making my brain go at like 180 miles per hour. My head is beating like it only had that night, and I’m scared. This is freaking me out. I knew I would have to see him eventually but I wasn’t thinking it would be any time soon. Seriously this wasn’t supposed to be how it went. I was planning on when I was ready emailing him and asking if he wanted to do something not having him randomly show up in MY psychology class. And then he asks me what I am doing here. Well dumbass this is my school, my favorite teacher, my psych class, and my life….get out of it. I can’t quit looking over at him….gotta go focus on Cindy. I’m really nervous for class to end for fear that he’ll try to talk to me. If he ends up being in any other of my classes I will scream. So I made it out of that class not having to talk to him. I don’t know how I managed. By the time I turned around on the other side of the CC, I could see him, I don’t know wher ehe was going but it wasn’t near me. My heart was pounding out through my ears.I swear seeing him is just freaky. I mean seriously what are the odds that he would take a 101 class much less the one I’m in. I am kinda mad at my mom. Why didn’t she tell me that he was going to stay in portland. I mean seriously. It’s so frustrating. I thought he was off away at Pacific not here. Here isn’t cool for me. I want him away. Far away.

Silent Tears

Child of the night, scream my name for you've lost me again. I hear your crying through the wall of my heart. I've never heard you scream before, just your silent wimpers inthe dark. I can feel your misery from here. Though this distance kills me I can feel it kills you too. I knowyou can't do everything, but do this, run back to me. Know i didn't love you but instead you turned and ran from me and I tried to chase you but couldn't keep up. I want to be back with you. I want to be back in your heart. Maybe I never lead on maybe i was never there. The call is all yours. A rose wiltsin fear the sun won't shine, a daisy holds fear knowing the ground will hold her. And I, I don't even bare to get p for fear I'll fally straong on my face.

Monday's with Mommy

She's left me here. "I'm sorry I can't be there until 6". It's freakin a quarter to five right now. I'd call for a different ride but my phone is dead and i can't find a pay phone. I so badly want to cry because she said this time would work. I'm just here. But God forbid I come first, it's all about Javaf and his fucking five year old muscles. He just sits there broken, frail and useless. I don't need him, I'm better off alone. Back when I was an only child things were okay. I'm standing up to her and telling her I"m sick of her. I hope she smacks me so I can call for rescue. I don't think she understands I've got nothing to do now but cry and be horridly sick. What would I have to do to get to her? The second she lays a hand on my I"m out of this house. But who would I call? Louis, Anna, Louie? They'd be the three on my list. Probably first of third, just because I'd want my knight in shining armor. I'd just want to see her go down. I couldn't call children's services. She's hit me before and I didn't do a thing. A smack in a target, a throw in the apartment. I'm almost afraid to yell at her, but I'm so irritated that she doesn't get it. Why doesn't she just call my dad, or Adam? Have them come get me. Doesn't that makes more sense? But no she has me sit here for an hour waiting for a dumb bitch to come pick me up. She married a man just as dumb and tempermental. Maybe she should hit him. You see, I'm alone in this world, just you, me and my musiv. I quit listening to music ya know. It's just so depressing, I can't take it. I hope he decides to go to this concert. I don't think he understands how important it is to me. I dont know how to tell him how much this concert means to me.

Have you ever wanted to change your appearance and name and start all over hoping it works? That's al i want at this percise moment in time.

Sunday 9/24/2006

God damn! Where is my boy today? I miss him and so badly need a hug. It's ridiculous. This week has jus tbeen so hard. I've just felt as though I wanted to curl up and die due to dehydrationthrough excessive tears. I know this is something I have stated many times throughout this week. I just don't know what to say. I'm just so afraid of losing myself. I've been able to "find" myself before, but i just don't know if I can do it again. I can only rebuil myself so many times before I just stay a crumbled mess on the floor of your garage. No one would guess that me, the together and supportive friend, could be so afraid, scattered and disfunctional. God Damn this life. Maybe it can help my get my crap in order

This is my brain, it's chewy like gum

Hmmm so it's kinda interesting today. I want to turn and just cry because I feel like people are picking away at my brain. My mother is all up in my business. She started questioning my best friends motives. I don't get that. Without my beautiful lady I wouldn't be here. Seriously there are like 2 girls that are just the rock I've stood on, one is my Rose and the other is my Daisy. My Daisy may be much older then me but that has never seemed to bother her before but suddenly it's like "So she drinks right? Do you two drink together? Does she try to get you to drink?" What the hell. No she's my best friend, my older sister, my firm foundation, and the only person that i can share EVERYTHING with. I can tell her anything from the newest girl that caught my eye, to the boy that's broken my heart, yet she's still the person I can just play in the park with. I don't ever have people that I can play hard with and talk limitless with. i mean I can tell my Rose most things but there are just some things that I know would make her uncomfortable. I couldn't tell her about the old days. I've told her some things but that's not everything. I've told Daisy EVERYTHING. As soon as I can I want to tell Daisy. Why is it that suddenly everyone is questioning our relationship. It's like worse then someone questioning my boyfriends love for me, it's someone saying they don't know why we wanna hang out becuase of the 5 year age difference. What the hell. I just don't get it. She's like my sister. If we were related by blood they wouldn't be challenging us being together. Whatever, people are really dumb and they don't control who I love and who I choose to spend my time with.

New thing. So though I've been really upset lately because my life's been shot to hell, I feel as though things are looking up. I think the fact that I'm really busy is helping. When I'm busy it gives me less time to think. The other night, I hope you know, I didn't carry through with anything in that blog...in either of them. I just needed a way to say that i was upset and that it's what I wanted to do. It's what I felt I needed but I didn't. I'm stronger then that. As I looked at myself in the mirror today I realized you can read me really well. If you were to look at me you would think that i am a women with a newborn baby at home who's boyfriend just left her. You're wondering why I say this. Well my eyes are really puffy because of how much crying I have done(leaving boyfriend), but I also have the bags under my eyes and the hollowness of all my emotions from lack of sleep(newborn baby). I just look dead to the entire world. I tried to cover it up today with make-up and it looked worse. I feel like I'm an abused child that's hiding behind her henious facade in order to hide the bruises that have been caused. All these bruises and gashes in my soul are from so many people I don't even know who to blame anymore. "the first cut is the deepest. I'd have given you all that I got, but someone came and torn it apart. I'd have given you all that I am, so I'll just try to love again, try..." There we go. Can I send that song to my Alkboy? I've realized that everyone has a code name in my life. I have my Rose, Daisy and Alkboy. Those are the three main that I hide behind. I just love them so much that I don't know what to do without them. I will, I'll just try to love again, you convinced me Rose, you convinced me....

I Am An Empty Vessel

I am an empty vessel. Sitting in an overfilled room. Nothing is the right size to fill me, everything just seeps out. This room I’m in has no room for me. I am but a small thorn in a world of roses. You see me hidden but never know when to expect it. My life is empty. Nothing completes me. My eyes are dry, my skin in raw, I am a disgrace. No one would want me. No one wants to see this body I live in. Impossible to love, is what I am. To look at me is painful to your eyes. These bruised limbs show you how lucky you are to be blessed. No one would raise a hand to you, but me, I am not worth it. They raise a hand not because I am beautiful, but because I am not worth their time. I sit and watch them take their time with others but not me. When you look at me do you see something worth loving? These bags under my eyes are from you. From sleepless nights and endless tears. But never were you the cause. You were the solution. You gave me a reason to live.‚…and to die. So here I sit. In this world all my own, the one place I am needed. And I inhaled needles, feeling them slice down my throat, a painful end, but I live and light the match. Lying in a bed of flames that indulge in my scorching flesh. I lose feeling and for once I am at peace. A peace that in my many years I have never known. This is feeling similar to the brief peace of the blade. You see though this is different. It is permanent. This is finally to the magnitude of everything that is inside. My life has been spent seeking a physical pain extreme enough to match what I feel everyday. This is it, the flames enveloping my body. I am but a scarecrow on fire. Stake me in your field and leave me to bleed. Let me rot there with your crops. Leave us to ourselves. They are but nature and they will live, but I will not. Leaving me here, staked to save the crop, let my blood by fertilizer. Light up the night with whom I am. Tell people the story of the crazy girl who was loved not. The one that had to funeral because the money would be a waste. The girl that no one loved, no one would attend. A priest would stand there and pray over my god-forsaken body and I would be lowered into the ground. Finally in a place that I am used to, everyone then would know that I was being trampled by innocent feet. This is where I am meant to be. In this bottomless pit I call my grave. Six feet under, warm and alone. This is where I want to be

A Fear So Deep It Bleeds

Laying here motionless, blade against my skin. Yearning for the connection it’s used to. Hands shaking beyond recognition. Tears streaming down my face. Pain surging through my veins, oil replaces the blood leaving me with no feeling. One thin line after another. I sit and watch the thick black liquid seem from my skin, turning to a rushing red as it hits the air. Confusion and hurt fill me. Is this blood or affected oil, I can’t feel so it must be oil. The oil covers my hands as the tears soak my face. My heart is a black hole that is sucking in the rest of my being. All of who I am, is in your hands, the ones I long to cover with these blood soaked hands. I’m scared for my life. Afraid I’ll take this too far. Afraid that this blade will sink too deep. Afraid to lose my feet. Knowing you’re not there to take care of this broken heart. Knowing that blood makes you sick and run for cover. What about a simple break that heals with your teals. If my corpse was placed on your door step would you stop and weep before stepping over it on your way to work? Would my body enable you to get to your car? Make it hard to let your dog out. Am I just a road block on the way to make things good for you? My heart is falling out onto the pavement. Do you see it there? It’s that thing your foot just kicked into the mud. It’s trampled and incomplete. Gaping open for all to see. I'll give you a choice. Take my blade away or press it deep into the core of who I am. If you sit here like you have been then you might as well stab it in deeper. I know this feeling. I graze the blade gently along my skin then scratch at this fake skin I live in. This outer costume isn't real. It is a beauty that someone gave me to hide this disgusting creature I truly am. I just want to scratch this facade out so that I can be real. Show people my inner monster that eats away at my heart and everything I live for. You are turning into the monster that likes in me. What ever happened to being a knight in shining armor? Is that over rated these days? Won't you come and defeat this dragon inside of me?

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Sometimes I have my days that it seems as though nothing really matters. My emotions are something small and insignificant. I just don’t understand how it is that I am just a girl that has no feelings according to those of the male persuasion that surround me in my everyday life. There are days that I wake up and stare into what seems to be nothingness and just fear moving out of my bed into the world that seems to eat my joy. Everyday there seems to be something that muddles my mood. The green in the grass and the red in the roses don’t seem nearly as bright without a simple love. Love is such a powerful influence in people’s lives yet it seems as though it eats away at people’s complete inner being…Isn’t it true that who you are is defined by the trials you have had to concur in your life? Well then I am defined by a lot of Crap.

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Today I have been thankful for few moments. I am thankful for Anna and that I am so blessed as to have her in my life. I am thankful for morning snuggles and chicken noodle soup. I am thankful for movies that calm my thoughts and songs that make me think. Things like cold pizza, breathe, showers and Tiki brought me joy. Bratty kids, silly coworkers, cute boys and grateful bosses make me feel important. But most importantly it is the rain; thermal sweatshirts and dancing that allow me to feel the beauty of nature.

A day like today is filled with pain as are many days in this passed week. Confusion, hurt, misery and pure agony remind me why friends are so important. Dumb things like boys and disappointment fill my life with grief and despair. The frustration of distance wretches at my heart as I realize maybe it’s just not worth it.