AH-huh?

So I am sure you have experienced an Ah-ha moment. Well I have a lot of those but that’s not it. I have been having a lot of Ah-huh? Moments. I just don’t get it. I think I get it and then I’m lost. Today was one of those moments. I woke up this morning to my brother calling me telling me that we had to leave for church in 10 minutes. It was crazy. I was stressed from the beginning. And then me and my mom fought…heinously for like 30 minutes. It just wasn’t good but then…I dunno it’s like I finally got hit. You know…those ah-ha moments where it just hits you…who knows what it is that hits you but it does. It hit me that my mom and I aren’t so different. We’ve both been through SOO much crap. Sometimes I just don’t know what I am gonna do. I can’t stand her andi think it’s because she thinks she knows whats wrong with me but when it actually comes down to it she doesn’t. She abuses her parent priveledge and it’s killing me. I’m around her and there are so many things I want to tell her but can’t. I want to tell her that I really want to move out. I want to tell her and I have loved deeper then I ever thought I could and have her understand. I want to tell her that part of the reason losing her is killing me is because I LOVE HER. I do….she’s more than my sister. She’s the gorgeous girl and cuddles into me whenever something goes wrong. She’s the one who told me it was okay to be attracted to females. I try to tell my mom about this deep deep love for him and all I get is “you always give too much of yourself…you know you’re gonna get hurt before you even start”. How would you feel if every time you try to tell someone about something that has built you up higher then you’ve ever been and has broken you down farther than almost losing your brother(and that’s low) and all you get is, “it’s your fault you gave that much”…that hurts. It makes me want to cry that I just can’t make her understand. I have cried. I cried today the whole time my mom and I talked. I think it was just letting everyone out from my babygirl and from Alkboy. I feel like everything I am has been taken from me. I gave everything I could to them. I took on all his problems with work and whenever he and Jim would fight. Anytime he needed to vent about anyone I was there. And then he left me. With her…I supported her relationship with her girlfriend. I was there when all her friends left her. I have spent money that I almost didn’t have on her because she had NO clothes. What more could I give. These are two of the people that I gave the most of me to. I just don’t know what to do without them. It is killing me inside. It’s breaking me apart. I can’t do this. I am empty all over again and I don’t know how to get that back. I seriously don’t think there is anything anyone can do. My heart is completely broken due to the loss of a sister and the loss of a friend. It feels like they’ve died and it all happened within a one month period. If ANYONE has any idea how to fill me please let me know…..i feel like I am decaying from the inside out. By the time I look like I’m dying I will already be dead inside…