Sometimes healing is a process... in my case it's an obstacle course

I talked a while back about how we accept the love we think we deserve. If you haven't read it, just click and you can catch up. It's important.

So, this week has been rough. I've accepted that I wasn't in love anymore. I was slowly moving on and then KAPOW! out of left field he dropped a bomb. The one bomb that I said would make me leave. It's hard when you put so much faith into someone. Faith that they will still value being a part of your life over their own selfish needs. Faith that your commitment and dedication might match theirs. Faith that somewhere under the disloyalty and the inability to be faithful within our relationship, that there was still a love for me and our friendship that would come out ahead.

Looking back, I've been waiting since April for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what my issue is, whether it's that I always want to see the best in people. Or if it's that I put too much of myself into loving others. I don't know but I seem to get burned in situations like this. I loved wholly and completely with all of me for over 3 years and in the end that was never going to be enough.

I don't want you to think that I am still dwelling on "us" and what not, because really this is about me. It's about my journey through trying to figure out what love really is. I am not fairy-tale-prince-sweep-me-off-my-feet kinda girl. It's just not my jam. Really, I love hanging out and HUGE romantic gestures freak me out. I'm not a flowers-delivered-to-work or a breakfast-in-bed girl. I would rather get in the car and go on an adventure.

I know I'm young and I keep getting told that one day the perfect person will come along and it'll be history from there. I want that. I want to have someone other then my mom (no offense) that I want to call at the end of the day and tell them about everything that happen. I used to have that. Well, I thought I had that. I did have the person to call, without the promise that it was enough. Without the promise of forever. Don't hear that I want be tying the knot anytime soon cause I am in NO RUSH, but I do want that. I want the warm body, the late night talks, the secrets, the always having someone to go to that will make you smile. I miss that. I miss what I thought I had.


It's amazing that you can make this idea up in your head of what things look like when that wasn't actually fact. I imagined this life that I had that wasn't real. It's strange to look at now and realize that I had tricked myself into a forever that was never there. Friends tried to tell me but I didn't listen because I wanted to know better. I didn't know better. I miss the people that I had in my life that over 3 years I cut off and pushed aside so that I could keep HIM. I miss being confident and feeling sexy and not having a worry. I miss knowing how to flirt with people. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's where I'm at.

I miss feeling safe and secure and knowing if I was in trouble he'd be there. He was never really there... but if I was in trouble he was. He was there when it really counted. Not that being there at night to tell me I'm amazing doesn't count, cause it did... but I know what that's like because I've never had that. I want a forever. I want a family. I want someone that makes me smile when I'm sad. It's been a long time since I've been with someone that made me smile instead of making me cry. When you've been slowly getting your heart broken you kinda forget what it feels like to be love.... I just want someone to remind me.

Dear Illinois

Dear Illinois, 

I've learned so far that you are used to keeping your own. People are from here, or near here, and there aren't a lot of "my kind" (west coasters) around here. I know that I am not of the likes of these mid-westerners but it would be splendid if you would explain yourself to me. You were ungodlyishly hot and humid for a while and I would go outside at 11 at night and it was still hot as hell. So now, two nights later, the nights are already getting cooler and it's not as humid. The days have been beautiful, don't get me wrong, I am WAY digging them. I wouldn't mind there being some consistency though. Why does it go from 70 to 20% humidity?! What is this? I mean come on Illinois, what is this?  I enjoy my temperate weather where nothing is extreme. I know that you are going to provide a few HORRIBLE months ahead of me, filled with snow and freezing cold and I will likely bitch about those too. You should work on that.

Second qualm.... Corn. REALLY?! You need to have MILES and MILES of this stuff? I have never seen this much randomly open space filled with the same thing EVER and I've been through Eastern Oregon. Granted Eastern Oregon has hills so you can't see as far but REALLY what is this? I mean, I enjoy a good ear of corn every now and then. But I am pretty sure that these are all the scary corn. The GMO filled, hazmat to harvest corn. I feel like the corn could attack me back and then I am going to be eaten alive by the creepy Genetically modified corn.

Then there are the bugs. Okay, have you ever seen a Cicada?! I mean REALLY looked at one? Those things are huge and nasty and my dogs have a fascination with them (well Milo does, Kida is terrified of them) and the second he touches it with his nose it makes the worst noise I have EVER heard. Those are another thing that I am anticipating eating me one day. I swear if I ever find one in my apartment I will scream and hide in the shower with a broom and some other kind of weapon. Then there are the mosquitos. Maybe those are genetically modified too.... They have been eating me alive...ugh!

So here's the moral of this story Illinois. I would love if you could do without the whole bug thing and have less scary corn. Also, supplying some consistency in the weather would be cool. I'm trying to work this whole Illinois thing out but you're just not helping me out.

Sincerely,
A very confused west coaster

There's no place like....

 It's welcome week here at SIUE. Apparently the theme is "There's no place like SIUE." I won't doubt that... but it's not like it's home here or anything. If I were to click my heels, this isn't where I would want to end up. I know I have been all acid and negativity lately...I think I should write in the morning when I am still all unicorns and rainbows. There just seems to have been shit getting in the way of my happy ending.

It's like this is what I'm supposed to feel about being here....

And I am still here:

Everything isn't as it seems.

So I have worked for years in social justice education. I will admit, I don't interrupt whenever I can, but I've never been in a situation that I felt like interrupting was "dangerous" until getting here. I've always worked with advisors and coordinators that I could walk in their office and have a conversation about why the ways they were being, or what they were saying was uncool. I don't feel like I can do that here.

Just stuck between a rock and a hard place....

It's about the little things

Ever since I've moved to Illinois I have learned that it is about the little things. Whether it's the snapchat from my girls letting me know they miss me while they were at Sauvi's Island, or the text from my mom reminding me she loves me. Today it was special though.

First, let me say this, it was my first day at work. Granted it went really well. My desk has been occupied by males the last... 6-8+ years (to be fully determined... this is just what I've heard) so things were a little clusterfluffed. There was stuff sitting on the desk from 2004. Why? I have no idea. Plus random other stuff. The only office supply in my desk was paper clips and scissors. For those of you that know me well, office supplies ARE MY JAM! LOVE THEM! So that didn't work for me. Part of me wishes I could take a picture of my old desk drawer so I can remember what's missing...

Anywho, I had meetings and trying to get organized, and decorating my new desk with... me!


See look how pretty it looks (note the sticky notes from my students at PSU)

It was a long day, but it was a pretty good one. I finally felt like I at least knew where to go, though I don't totally understand what I am doing yet, and I knew a few more people. Then I came home, tried to unwind and decided to leave to go to the grocery store. I opened my front door and this was waiting: 
From Lindsay and family! I got REALLY excited.... cause I'm nerdy like that...


Was told to enjoy, though let's be real, how could you not!?


This was everything included in the box.

I never saw it coming and it brought me to tears, I'll be honest. Because even though I had a good day, I still don't quite see where I belong here. This isn't home. Honestly, it was only today when I walked out of work to get the box of desk decor from my car that I realized, and caught my self saying aloud, "shit, I actually live here don't i?" I don't hate it here, but it's still weird. There is a part of me still waiting to  be done with this vacation and to go home. When school starts it will really hit me that I am here to stay. Until then, this was an amazing pick me up. I truly do have the best community that is backing and supporting me.

What the what is a Homecoming?!

Well, here we are, another week in Illinois accomplished! I feel like there should be some sort of box I can check off each week I successfully survive living here. Not that it's insufferable, but I wasn't kidding when I said I felt like I was in a different world all together. There are parts of it I am starting to enjoy, like the people and the permanent air conditioning; and parts I don't so much enjoy, like the bugs and humidity. I did get to experience something completely new though. It was a Homecoming.

Now when I think of a homecoming, I think of high school with short dresses and someone being crowned. Oh and floats. Yeah, that's what I think about. Nope, apparently it means something different here. There was a fair, and not a "hey lets look at the pigs and show our horses" kind of fair. Not even a "let's all get high and camp out" kind like some of the ones back home. Nope, it was a carnival games and rides, beer and local band kind. Weird. I don't know but when I got there I had no idea what to expect. First we bought beer tickets and then got to go just get beer. Okay, in Oregon we have beer gardens. PERIOD. Just walking around by the rides and the carnival games holding a beer with small children and high schoolers, yeah that was weird enough, but then we just kind of hung out.

Don't get me wrong, I had a really damned good time. I drank. Bought my first beer coozie (do we even have these in Portland?!). Danced like my mom (no offense mom, it was a blast). I dunno, it was great but weird. One of the guys tried to convince me that they have these everywhere and it wasn't just an Illinois thing. That may be true but let me tell you, we don't have these in EVERY town in Oregon like they tried to tell me. It was a fun experience, I've been told that there are a lot of these and I will likely be at another, but it was a new one.

I think I am going to have a lot of new experience in this new place. Another week in the books.

Still feeling homesick, but I started a countdown on my phone until the day I get to come home and I don't know what it is about it, but it makes me feel a little bit better getting to see that it actually is getting closer and not farther away like it feels. Missing home, starting to settle into this new adventure, and shit, now I know what a Homecoming is.

There's no place like home

Sure, I am slowly getting used to Illinois and the horrid humidity and the HUGE scary bugs but that hasn't stopped everyday with ending with tears. I never knew what homesickness felt like until I got here. I seriously haven't wanted to come home more then I do everyday here. I feel like that kid that's afraid to seem needy so doesn't talk to anyone instead, like I'm all alone in this town while I try to figure out the ropes and figure out where I belong. I mean shit, I haven't been eating enough, I'm barely sleeping, yet getting out of bed is a daily struggle. Depression and no anxiety are not new things to me, I have a long and detailed history of them, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It still makes me feel pathetic that I have been calling home just to hear the sound of my momma's voice. I missing have the ability to go home and swing by my friends homes. I may be 23 but it's still brutal being this far away from home. I don't know when this will change, but it's really hard. That's all there is to it.

 There's no place like home...

We accept the love we think we deserve...

...and there was a while where I didn't think I deserved much.

I don't know if I made the mistake or took the intentional moment to watch chick flicks tonight while sick in bed. I watched Dear John, a personal favorite love story without the perfect ending. It reminded me of a blog my mom had written months ago about love and how she had loved three men in her life.

Leaving Portland was hard for many reasons, one of which was love. I spent the last three years completely and wholly loving someone that would and could never love me back. I think there was a part of me that though if I loved enough for the both of us that it would work out in the end. If I did more, if I was more of what he wanted, that things would change. I spent three years hoping that I could be enough. Mind you, we weren't even dating until the end of it (which very few believe over the years), and everything that had scared me over the years came to fruition.

I knew I had been lied to. I knew that I never got the whole truth.  I liked to close my eyes and act like I was making it up and that I was wrong. I tricked myself into thinking that what I was getting was enough. It wasn't. That relationship shattered my understanding of meaning of trust, love, being faithful and honest. It tore apart the once strong and resilient person my mother had raised me to be and left me small and broken. It's hard to know that I put myself there. That so many times I said, "just one more chance," knowing that it wasn't going to work out, knowing that once again I would call my girlfriend crying over not understanding why my life wasn't working out.

I left Portland, no longer in love but still loving. It's hard to feel like something you dedicated so much time and effort to was ripped out of your hands without any control on your part. Since moving I've thought about it a lot. Well, I thought about it before the move, when I got honest with people about why we broke up and I stopped being afraid that it meant that I wasn't enough and instead being true that I had done my part and he hadn't done his. One of my guy friends had reminded me what I deserved just in being the amazing person that he is and reminded me what it felt like to be loved and cared about without strings. With the move though I got scared. I don't remember how to be vulnerable. The last three years left me as a cold, empty shell of girl, yet desperate for someone to love me. I don't know how to be somewhere new, uncomfortable in my own skin, not knowing how to relate, to find someone that is going to fit into my quirks.

My favorite quote from any book I've ever read is "we accept the love we think we deserve." My problem is that after all this I don't know what I deserve. I've tried to act strong and like I am coming out ahead of this whole thing, when inside I am still broken and grieving, unsure how to move passed having my heart shattered and stomped into the mud. I don't know how to be somewhere new and continue healing... I don't know how to grieve without being able to call my best friend to curl up next to me to watch the chick flicks that will make me cry and eat sweets. I don't know how to do this... hopefully I can learn, but right now, I just don't know how. 

It's a Mid West Thing

Anything I don't understand about Illinois I have just started chalking up to being Midwest things. So far it's working and no one is arguing with me about it, which is pretty cool. It's been a seemingly busy couple days. Yesterday was a blast. I went to the roommates house for her dad's 50 birthday party. Mind you it was literally her WHOLE family, and me. That was an adventure. It was fun though, I think I had more fun joking around with and hanging out with her cousins then I did with friends the night before. But it could be cause it was a lower dose and I just focused on a few people instead of being overwhelmed by literally like 15 people.

It was a good time though, swam in the pool, played with two little boys (1.5 and almost 3 years old), drank a few beers (nothing like Portland beer), and ate some good BBQ. Overall I consider it a win. Minus the whole losing my contacts in the pool thing and now being stuck in my NOT-so-cute glasses for god knows how long.

I miss my friends though. It was hard and rewarding to get to snapchat with the Makowski girls. It was amazing to get to see their faces and the fun they were having but at the same time heart-wrenching that I couldn't be there with them. There are days that I seriously with I could either fly my friends out here or I could just teleport. No big deal, let the dogs out, put them down for a few hour nap, zap home and see my girls, be back before dinner... that would be the life. The thought of having Kelsie come visit is a really exciting one. Literally I just need my besties: The Makowski girls, Kelsie, Louis... to fly out here and snuggle for a good long while. We could watch movies, eat junk food, giggle at my middle of nowhere town with their weird conservation twinge, and play with puppies. Our lives could be complete. Maybe we'd even go to 6 flags, who knows...

Alas, they can't just teleport here and flights are BLOODY EXPENSIVE from Portland to here. Maybe, at some point they can come out cause more nights then not I wish I were having a sleep over with a friend so that someone else, that gets Portland, could understand why I really don't get here... nothing here makes sense to me. Frozen Custard makes sense... that's about all. And thank god for Target cause I still haven't figured out what grocery stores are yet. Well here's to hoping someone can come visit sooner rather then later <3

Today was a good day!

Well I guess when you hit rock bottom the only place you have is to go up. Yesterday I hit ultimate defeat. I couldn't get the thumb tacks in the wall, my dogs were eating/unpacking everything, I was feeling alone and in this weird place, and what did I do? I broke down and cried. I wouldn't say that it was one of my proudest moments, no not by far, but being this far away from home is really hard, especially when your family is on vacation without you >.<

Let me tell you though, today was better. I went mattress shopping with my new roommate. Now this may not sound fun to some of you but let me tell you: IT WAS AWESOME!


 
This was us....


Though it felt a little like this at moments....

There were some mattresses that were GREAT and felt like clouds, while others that felt like sleeping on the ground (though better then the concrete I currently feel like I'm living on).

We got lunch, did more mattress shopping. It was an overall really good time. It was the first time since moving here that I felt that maybe it'll be okay. We even did some normal shopping in there and boy did I find a few cute tops. It was genuinely fun. There were moments that I felt a little like I was cheating on my friends back in Portland, but I know (or at least hope) that they would want me to be having fun.

Tonight, now that was entertaining, I went over to a friend of the roommates house for her boyfriends birthday party. All you know that I am a bit of  social butterfly. HOWEVER, this is only true when I know people and seeing how I only knew my roommate I was WAY out of my element. I was TERRIFIED and was WAY overwhelmed (which she sensed).

How could you not sense it when I looked like this...

It was a really good time though. After I was able to settle in a little (which did take Cards Against Humanity) it was better and I felt like maybe I could have a few friends here. I am not fully ready to say that I want to stay, but I am not quite as afraid of being stuck here anymore. 

City girl in a small town

I never considered myself to be a big city girl until I moved here, to Edwardsville, IL. Yep, Illinois. I mean, I don't really consider Portland big city. I can walk down the street and see the regulars at the coffee shop and they know my name. Well here I am, I have arrived at small town. I went into a diner today that I have been at TWICE and they remembered me. Granted I really like this diner but really... I'm not even a regular and they remembered me? Dorothy we aren't in Portland anymore. Part of me expects the people at the grocery store to remember me too. 

 

Okay, okay. It's not closest neighbor 5 miles away small but it's small in comparison, population wise.  

I am used to 40 minutes to my parents house that's in the same city and this is like 10 minutes across town IF there is traffic. Don't get me wrong, this is SUPER convenient but lordy is this a different world. It's weird thinking that just a few short weeks ago I was sitting COMFORTABLY in Beaverton wishing I never had to leave. Now here I am, in an empty apartment (save me and the dogs) and it's 71 degrees with 96% humidity... AT 11 AT NIGHT! What is this... oh and if you're quite for long enough you can hear nothing but the Air conditioner and...that's it. Nothing else. This is a whole new world for me... maybe I could hear the mice at the house next door. Who knows. I am going to have to start tracking this new strange place I'm in cause I am quite certain it's going to be a doosy!