So, this week has been rough. I've accepted that I wasn't in love anymore. I was slowly moving on and then KAPOW! out of left field he dropped a bomb. The one bomb that I said would make me leave. It's hard when you put so much faith into someone. Faith that they will still value being a part of your life over their own selfish needs. Faith that your commitment and dedication might match theirs. Faith that somewhere under the disloyalty and the inability to be faithful within our relationship, that there was still a love for me and our friendship that would come out ahead.
Looking back, I've been waiting since April for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what my issue is, whether it's that I always want to see the best in people. Or if it's that I put too much of myself into loving others. I don't know but I seem to get burned in situations like this. I loved wholly and completely with all of me for over 3 years and in the end that was never going to be enough.
I don't want you to think that I am still dwelling on "us" and what not, because really this is about me. It's about my journey through trying to figure out what love really is. I am not fairy-tale-prince-sweep-me-off-my-feet kinda girl. It's just not my jam. Really, I love hanging out and HUGE romantic gestures freak me out. I'm not a flowers-delivered-to-work or a breakfast-in-bed girl. I would rather get in the car and go on an adventure.
I know I'm young and I keep getting told that one day the perfect person will come along and it'll be history from there. I want that. I want to have someone other then my mom (no offense) that I want to call at the end of the day and tell them about everything that happen. I used to have that. Well, I thought I had that. I did have the person to call, without the promise that it was enough. Without the promise of forever. Don't hear that I want be tying the knot anytime soon cause I am in NO RUSH, but I do want that. I want the warm body, the late night talks, the secrets, the always having someone to go to that will make you smile. I miss that. I miss what I thought I had.
It's amazing that you can make this idea up in your head of what things look like when that wasn't actually fact. I imagined this life that I had that wasn't real. It's strange to look at now and realize that I had tricked myself into a forever that was never there. Friends tried to tell me but I didn't listen because I wanted to know better. I didn't know better. I miss the people that I had in my life that over 3 years I cut off and pushed aside so that I could keep HIM. I miss being confident and feeling sexy and not having a worry. I miss knowing how to flirt with people. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's where I'm at.
I miss feeling safe and secure and knowing if I was in trouble he'd be there. He was never really there... but if I was in trouble he was. He was there when it really counted. Not that being there at night to tell me I'm amazing doesn't count, cause it did... but I know what that's like because I've never had that. I want a forever. I want a family. I want someone that makes me smile when I'm sad. It's been a long time since I've been with someone that made me smile instead of making me cry. When you've been slowly getting your heart broken you kinda forget what it feels like to be love.... I just want someone to remind me.
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