Strike two

You know what...I'm sorry...I'm the upfront, in your face, blunt as all fuck bitch. i know that. I tell ya what you don't want to hear but what (i believe) you need to. I love ya aight. Know that okay. Seriously I just can't not tell you these things....can you just accept that? i mean i don't want to hurt you and it seems like everytime i say something i make you cry....fuck this....i'm done...i don't know what to do anymore

Cna yuo raed tihs??? Yuo solhud be albe to....

Wyh do yuo keep donig tihs to me? Wyh cnat I cnrloto tihs feigeln? Tihs is nto fiar. I wnat tihs to be oevr. Cna yuo raed tihs? Myeab. Myebe nto. Tihs byo is kligiln me. I jsut dnot konw hwo mcuh mroe I cna sadtn tihs. I serwa eeyhnvrtig I do bekras me aatpr. I tyr to atc nraoml adn lkie ntigohn is wogrn. BTU ist a lei. Do yuo gte taht? Teh gyu in my pyhsc casls kesep saigtrn at me. Waht is wogrn wtih hmi? Deos he nto udrtnnesad taht I htae hmi? GDO I HTAE MNE!!!!! Srosyeiul raor…polepe keep tynrig to sya tehy udrtnnesad btu I konw tehy dnot. FCUK!!! Im dnoe….no mroe of tihs carp. Tihs is blsiulht. Im dnoe. I tikhn I lkie a byo. I am nto srue toghuh. He akdse if I wudol seple wtih hmi…I dnot konw if I wudol. I mgtih btu I jsut cnat tlel. He is scuh a setwe kdid. Teh hrad tighn is taht I lvoe smoeoen esle. Gretart is srosyeiul oen of teh bsfinsetred I hvae eevr hda. I dnot tikhn he udrtnsnesad hwo mcuh he masen to me. I konw taht I wudol ksis hmi in a hateterba. Is taht bda to wnat to ksis yuor bsfinsetred? Tihs losok lkie a bnhuc of bblabe. Dnot yuo arege? Wyh is lvoe scuh a piflanu tighn? I wsih i lvdie smweeoehr lkie Idani OR eevn bteetr Grnyema. I wnat to be smweeoehr taht i cna be me and teehr is lses jdeetugmn. I wnat to be albe to be bsxaieul adn nto be jdeugd. I htae taht i cnat hvae a grfinilred adn nto hvae my fmlaiy ratec in a cayrz wya. Tihs is woh i am. Cna eeynvroe ecpxet taht? Yse i lkie gsyu btu i lkie grsil aslo. Is that oaky wtih yuo? Hnsloety? Tlel me teh tuhrt...tasht waht i wnat. Ist teh tuhrt. Yueor spoeupsd to be my finsred rgtih? Be hnsoet whit me.

So nwe sbetujc...my mteohr is a bthic. I lvoe hre...ralely i do btu taht denost maen i lkie hre. I ralely ejyno wiigrtn lkie tihs. It wasen otu teh polepe taht cna raed tihs. Dvnei tihs is nnoe of hsi bsnsuies nro is it my mtesohr. HA i wni. I lvoe yuo hnaanh adn lcsua. Yuo tow mkae me hpirape tahn yuo wlil eevr konw. I lvoe yuo so mcuh. Takhn yuo fro eeyhnvrtig yuvoe dnoe fro me.

--Sehtsa

P.S. Hnaanh adn Lcsua if yuo udrtosnesod tish lte me konw. Tihs is my nwe fvrtaoie wya to wiert bcueeas ist all sceert adn suftf :)

AH-huh?

So I am sure you have experienced an Ah-ha moment. Well I have a lot of those but that’s not it. I have been having a lot of Ah-huh? Moments. I just don’t get it. I think I get it and then I’m lost. Today was one of those moments. I woke up this morning to my brother calling me telling me that we had to leave for church in 10 minutes. It was crazy. I was stressed from the beginning. And then me and my mom fought…heinously for like 30 minutes. It just wasn’t good but then…I dunno it’s like I finally got hit. You know…those ah-ha moments where it just hits you…who knows what it is that hits you but it does. It hit me that my mom and I aren’t so different. We’ve both been through SOO much crap. Sometimes I just don’t know what I am gonna do. I can’t stand her andi think it’s because she thinks she knows whats wrong with me but when it actually comes down to it she doesn’t. She abuses her parent priveledge and it’s killing me. I’m around her and there are so many things I want to tell her but can’t. I want to tell her that I really want to move out. I want to tell her and I have loved deeper then I ever thought I could and have her understand. I want to tell her that part of the reason losing her is killing me is because I LOVE HER. I do….she’s more than my sister. She’s the gorgeous girl and cuddles into me whenever something goes wrong. She’s the one who told me it was okay to be attracted to females. I try to tell my mom about this deep deep love for him and all I get is “you always give too much of yourself…you know you’re gonna get hurt before you even start”. How would you feel if every time you try to tell someone about something that has built you up higher then you’ve ever been and has broken you down farther than almost losing your brother(and that’s low) and all you get is, “it’s your fault you gave that much”…that hurts. It makes me want to cry that I just can’t make her understand. I have cried. I cried today the whole time my mom and I talked. I think it was just letting everyone out from my babygirl and from Alkboy. I feel like everything I am has been taken from me. I gave everything I could to them. I took on all his problems with work and whenever he and Jim would fight. Anytime he needed to vent about anyone I was there. And then he left me. With her…I supported her relationship with her girlfriend. I was there when all her friends left her. I have spent money that I almost didn’t have on her because she had NO clothes. What more could I give. These are two of the people that I gave the most of me to. I just don’t know what to do without them. It is killing me inside. It’s breaking me apart. I can’t do this. I am empty all over again and I don’t know how to get that back. I seriously don’t think there is anything anyone can do. My heart is completely broken due to the loss of a sister and the loss of a friend. It feels like they’ve died and it all happened within a one month period. If ANYONE has any idea how to fill me please let me know…..i feel like I am decaying from the inside out. By the time I look like I’m dying I will already be dead inside…

What does thankful mean?

Today is a day that we are supposed to sit and ponder all the thing we are thankful for. Well can i say i'm thankful for nothing. Not no thing but nothing. The ability to have nothing going on and to have the nothingness in your life. That is what i'm thankful for. Today i got absolutely furious with my mother. Her and my father are going wine tasting tomorrow in NEWBERG of all places. Well you see, Newberg is where i have my greatest support network and the vast amount of my beloved friends and my mom won't bring me with. She said that being in newberg once a week is sufficient. It's infuriating that she can be so selfish but at the same time I'm okay with it. She can go and get drunk until her brain melts and i'll sit back at home and do whatever i want. Though I truly do want to be spending my day in newberg I think it'll be okay. What makes me want to scream is that she's second guessing whether i should go on Sunday to hang out with my boy. Well you see...this is selfish of her. She is abusing her power as my mother. If she says no...i'm gonna say suck it because you know what...i am going to go. If i want to go to newberg then i am going to newberg and she can ground me when i get back.

My heart is aching today...I'm trying so hard to be quit with the drugs and the alcohol but what i really want to do right now is smoke/drink away the pain that is overwhelming my body. It's nothing specific that is killing me. More just everything. The want to be comforted in someone's arms. The suffering of knowing who i want and who i am giving up. It's like love is an addiction. When you fall in love getting rid of that person is SO hard that you end up getting addicted to other things trying to break your addiction to them. Those who have not been addicted may be confused but it makes sense to me. I was so addicted to him and my love for him that I decided to hate him...well now i am addicted to the hate and the love has conquered that. How do i be done all together. BASICALLY it would be like being an alcoholic...you try to quit dirnking so you start smoking...well you see now you are addicted to smoking. You find a way to quit and now there is nothing stopping you from drinking. You are fine and then someone offers you a drink...saying no is the hardest thing ever. Now that you've accepted the drink you have to find a way to not make one lead to another....I got offered a drink and i am slowly falling back into the habit of him...

BUT you wanna know what? I am thankful for him. More than anyone can understand. I am so glad that he has done to me what he has. The fact that he broke me only made me stronger and as i look at it...I am so much stronger. Though it kills me...I am better now...

FUCK YOU WORLD!!!! I'm in control

Who knew that the words of a friend could change your outlook in a mere few hours? A woman that I very much respect spoke to me for four hours today. We talked a lot about her life and how she managed to conquer her demons that I am now presented with. I see now why she has worried about me. What I am going through in my life is very similar to what she went through just years ago. She talked to me about all the things that she is afraid I will get caught up in that she couldn’t due to the child that she had. This somehow empowered me. She told me how there are so many things in my life that I try to control and that I can’t control. I cannot control if it will rain or other peoples actions. I can however choose how I am gong to react to that. The only things I can control are me and my actions. I came home tonight truly feeling like I had a whole new strength. I can’t control what baby girl or Alkboy do to hurt me. That’s them and you know what. I can hurt but that doesn’t mean that hurt has to own my life. I am my own person. I am a strong and beautiful person and only I have the power to control my destiny…HA TAKE THAT WORLD

It's Over.....I'm done....

Well then I guess this is it. I thought there was more to us then that but I guess I was wrong. My heart is confused and wrapped around your words. My heart is suffocating by the words you have written. I loved you. I still do love you. I can’t breathe. I am not staring at you, trying to figure you out, I am staring at you because I want to know what you are feeling. I want to know what it is that I have done wrong. Have I hurt you? Did I break you like you broke me. This girl, you said you had a girlfriend. Does she treat you like you deserve to be treated. Does she love you and know your secrets. Can you call her at midnight and talk until 2 telling her everything about your day and knowing that she cares. Can you trust her with all your secrets about you mom and how you feel about your friends. Do you know that no matter what happens she is going to be there to listen to you? I didn’t think so. She isn’t what you need. I am. I dropped everything to talk to you the night that everything with Alyssa fell apart. I stayed awake on nights that I thought I was gonna pass out because you needed to talk. I am the one you told all your secrets with. Maybe that scared you. It is because I am all you need that you ran to somoene else. The reason that you broke my heart and left me to bleed. Why can’t you just see that I was the best friend you were ever going to have and you threw that away because you were stupid and selfish. What is wrong with you? Why did you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this from you? Why can’t I be all you need? Is it because your friends wouldn’t accept our relationship or what? I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t want you to walk into MY church and break my heart with you faze. I want you to go as far away from me as you can. I don’t want you anymore. I can’t want you anymore. I can’t bear to be near you. I just don’t know what I’ll do. I want to look into your eyes and see what I used to see. I want you to want me again. This is so hard for me. You say you are dating some girl. Some skanky whorish bitch I’ll assumer. With the way you treat females that’s all you could get. You’re a fucker and you don’t deserve anyone. You deserved me, but I was too good for you. You ran away from the best thing that has ever happened to you. You’ll see that at one point. I’ll get a boyfriend and you’ll see how great I am to them and you’ll see that, that is the way you wanted to be treated. You’ll see what you’re missing out on. You’ll suffer through this. All I wanted was you. I wanted you back with me. But you took advantage of the nice, naïve and beautiful. I wish I could just press a button on my heart to stop it from loving you. I don’t know how to love you nymore. I can’t ever have you in my life anymore. I don’t want you to come over. I don’t want you to be my brothers friend. I just don’t want you anymore. I love you and need you and want you in my life but I can’t have you. It’s too hard to see you and not want you. But I can’t do what you want me to. I can’t forget the best and worst moments of my life. Of my summer. This summer was seriously the most confusing time ever. It was also the most enjoyable. Almost, all thanks to you. I have cried more over you then over anyone else. You’ve done it. You’ve taught me why not to love. This week I have turned off my emotions and though there are tears welling up in my eyes no one else knows they are there. They will not fall upon my cheek but instead just block me from seeing the truth and love in the world. To me, now all of it is fake. No one can truly love. There is always hate, always confusion, always betrayal. You did this for me. You taught me the truth. So thank you I guess. Thank you for ruining love for me. You’ve done your dead. Now be gone with you…

Rebel against your enemy

What is this thing called love and what has it done to this broken nation? Do we rebel to earn back our freedom from this hell ridden emotion or do we surrender our hearts knowing if we don't it will surely be a massacre? What can we do to step up to this land and proclaim our rights? Do we have rights over our hearts and our love? Should the people of this world stand up and scream for what is rightfully theirs? Speak out and inform those around you that this is not how we should live.... But is that in fact how we should live? I mean seriously can love control these lives that we know not how to live? What is this confusion that has sunked deep into my soul. A single tear has again trickled down my cheek and i know not what to do. Cry out and scream for the emotions that i have lost control of. This confusion grasping onto all that i am. I reach for the door only to find it locked. Where do you go from here. Your heart is mangled and far beyond reach and you, yourself, are breaking down into unrecognizable pieces. Why am I stuck here in a world so unforgiving? I see beauty in the little things but yet to me it is dead....What am I supposed to do?

It's sucking majorly but I, as one of the weak population, have surrendered my heart and have stepped back to watch the damage occur. It's true. I the leader of this rebellion has stepped down. i just can't bear to have my heart have one more major hit. It would kill me. I would fall to my knees and crumple into the nothingness i deserve to be. This is true. You may not see it, but it is. Now...my friends....it is your turn to throw in the towel and try to find a way to heal your heart from this unforgiving pain....

Do you really know?

Why is it that every time I need someone you are there? You aren’t the first one I want but you are always the one I get. I just don’t get it. There is this other male and he is the one that I wan but he is NEVER there when I need him. Why are you? Is there a specific reason I just don’t get it. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there. I don’t want to have to worry about you have feelings for me and me having feelings for you. I don’t want to feel this way. You are confusing me. You’ll never fit in with my friends, you just aren’t like them. You’ll say something and make things awkward or something of the sort. I understand you but that doesn’t mean anyone else does. I speak you’re language. The way you think and feel makes sense to me. But my friends are different. That boy I love would mock you at all cost. He wouldn’t care if you made sense to me; the point is that you don’t make sense to him. You’re different and he doesn’t like that, plus between that and the fact that we are so close, he would make your life a living hell. He’d be jealous I just know it and it wouldn’t make things very fun for you. Being my friend is a dangerous act when you aren’t like the rest of my friends. I want you to be like them. I want you to be understood. I don’t know I might just want you. I know I want him but that doesn’t mean I can have him. If I could I would come home everyday and curl into bed with him. That’s how I want the rest of my life to be. I know he can be detached and critical but that’s part of what I love about him. He completes me. See he is the critical, overly lax, insensitive part and then I am the sensitive, understanding, “up tight”, serious one. They work together. He is determined and has an end point. He knows where he is going and what he wants to make of himself. That is good and amazing and I love it. See you, you are amazing, but, you aren’t sure. You don’t know where you are going. You are still irrational and don’t quite see the whole picture. You are amazing. You truly are. But I can’t do amazing, I am at the point in my life where I want realistic. Do I even really know what I want? I don’t. I want to be done with my life. I want to learn everything I was supposed to learn and move forward. I want to know that I have almost died and have everyone just accept that and move on. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be able to tell my grandparents and parents and great grandparents that I am bisexual and enjoy the company of females. That isn’t something they need to know but something they should. Being my family they should know that. It’s their business. I want grandma to know. I want her to know the truth. I don’t want grandma to know, not knowing who I truly am. My grandma is one of the people I love most in this world and the person I want to grow up to be so doesn't she deserve to know the truth about me? Does that define who I am?

Life in Pergatory-written 11.6

Run far away from this world you have said to understand. You don’t really understand what is going on, you just think you do. See the thing is that when you walk and talk and live through each day you are just slowly dying. Every single moment your breaths are growing slower and your heart is growing weak. You think that you can live through anything but you are wrong. This is something that you will not learn until you are old and crippled sitting watching your life pass before your eyes. See teenagers believe that they are invincible. Well hate to burst your pretty pink bubble but, you have a higher chance of dying then your parents. Such to be you now doesn’t it. See teenagers believing that they are invincible are also reckless. Drunk driving, drugs, reckless attitudes are what kill teenagers. Everyday I can think of many people that die. Sometimes they are someone close to you, sometimes they are an important governmental figure and sometimes they are a world leader. There are times that you don’t know the person that dies but just their story. Why is it that people gain so much more importance after death? Two people died this week. They were dropped at the end of a man’s drive way on Highway 226. Well you see did people know about them before this week? Probably not, but now that they have been found dead in a strange place they are the center of many people's stories. What is wrong with people these days? We focus so on the death not the life. Our youth will one day die off and will we know them? I don’t know. Will you know me? Will I have made a big enough print on the world that you will remember me? I don’t know. Do I want to know?

What is wrong with me? I am this strange undeniable being. I don’t think I’m human but I then know not what I am. I ramble like you do. Does that make me different? A friend types the following, “Walking backwards upstream screams how much I want to LIVE”. Does that have a meaning? If you think about it I can think of a way to make sense of the nonsense that is this life. I understand not the phrases of things but then again does anyone. Doesn’t everyone really just interpret things how they think they are and not truly understand things how the other people are saying it. Today is not a day unlike any other day. Today is a day that is just another spinning cycle in the giant web of life. Life is just a metaphor for death in this world. Really we have lived before and where we are now is this eternal limbo, we are in pergatory. Wouldn’t it be interesting to find that we really are in pregatory and that we haven’t had this life as our only? That’s why some people have to die so young is because the older you are the longer you have been in pergatory and so the babies that die have just been accepted sooner. Damn would that suck if it were true.

I left my heart in the back of an old pick-up truck. You don’t see me crying as it drives away.

Give me your poison; I’ll drink it with my wine. Dining with the devil and all his closest friends.