I've always been told that time heals old wounds. At least that's what my grandma and every other older person in my life has ever said. It's a little hard to believe that maybe this could be true, especially thinking of how much my life has changed in the last two years. I used to think I had it all figured out. I had met the person that I invested in, was spending and creating a life with. It wasn't healthy but it was "as good as it was going to get". I was a girl I wouldn't recognize now. Two years ago I got a text telling me I was pathetic. Telling me that he had never loved me, that he never would, that everything he'd told me I'd been "paranoid" about had been a reality. He texted me telling me that he didn't want to be friends and that he was choosing his affair over our friendship. It was my first day of grad school, only 3 days into my new job, at a new school where I knew no one. I had no friends, much less a family, to lean on or go to. I had me, I had my friends back home, I had my dogs. That was it.
I have never felt so homesick in my entire life than to have my heart ripped out and stab through a stake then put on display, and to be so completely alone.
Little did I know that mere weeks later I would meet a totally goofy, snarky, sometimes douch-baggish guy from the club soccer team. He was sassy and made me laugh and is now the love of my life, but not in the way people think. He's my best friend and my person. He's the one that pulls me up by my boot straps when I can't figure out how. I wouldn't have found him if I hadn't been knocked so far down. I wouldn't have found most of my friends if I wouldn't have had to start over.
That's really what Illlinois was - starting over. I got broken down in so many ways so that eventually I could build back up.
Today I am homesick, not for Portland, or for my family but for my people, my people that feel like home. Zach feels like home. Bec feels like home. Jen feels like home. Jon, George and Steph feel like home. The people that ground me when I feel like I'm float away and that give me wings when I am stuck with my head in the sand. They are my breath of fresh air and right now I feel like I'm drowning.
Life in Louisiana is good. I love it here, I really do but something about how I'm feeling right now just doesn't feel right. Something about it is swallowing me whole and I can't quite figure it out. I miss my friends. I miss having MY people. Not people I work with but MY people. The ones that I call when I need a drink or to bitch or just to watch movies. I miss having my people to dance with, snuggle with, laugh and (try not to) cry with. I miss my people.
Labor day can't come soon enough cause I need them. It feels like so long ago that I had them and got to just live and be with them and I can barely wait any longer. I need to be reminded how to breathe. I need to be reminded what it truly feels like to let go and just be. I need my person.
