Hearing your voice

I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower this week. It's where the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" came from. It's a beautifully done movie. It really is. The book changed my life. I mean that 110% and the movie was an AMAZING representation of the book. I truly loved it. It made me remember the friends and the community that I have like that back home. The ones that will go for drives just to feel the wind in your hair. And the ones that have that ONE SONG that just makes everything seem okay that you hear one day on the radio and can never find again, but when you do find it it's MAGIC and everything is great again.

 I have that friend. I've had him my entire life. Sometimes I forget what it's like to have that one person that GETS you, until I'm around him and all my worries, all my cares just seem to drift away. My best friend called me today. He'd had a bad night, I've had a bad month and in that first second he said "it's great to hear your voice" and it was! It was AMAZING to hear his voice. I just felt that in that second it was all alright because I knew that no matter how bad things got I would ALWAYS have him at my side.

I don't really remember what my life was like before him or without him. There have been long periods of time that we haven't talked but we were always there for each other when it mattered...when it was necessary. He's always the person that I imagine dancing like an idiot with me at my wedding and making fun of the groom. It's always been important to me that he like the people I was with because I knew if he didn't get along with them it didn't really matter. He's the best person I could ever ask to have in my life. It's my other half. The yin to my yang.

I have recognized lately how much a part of me he is. It's dreadful being so far away where I can't just call him and meet him wherever he is to go on some adventure or bake a pie or grab a beer. He's so much a part of me and I of him. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have found my best friend at such a young age. He'll always be my partner-in-crime, my brother, my confidante.

What does it mean to be alone?

I don't think you ever really know what it feels like to be alone until you have that moment that you are surround by people and still lonely. This move has been anything if not hard for me. I am in this strange place where I have been called out for my beliefs and my "alternative self". I mean really, a plus sized girl with purple hair, piercings and tattoos in a world of skinny girls with their natural hair color and no body mods. I stick out like a sore thumb.

This is where I feel like most days. 

Back in Portland I had kinda come to terms with being the chubby girl working in Campus Recreation. I mean lets be real, I know that I don't look like I'm supposed to. I don't work out because gyms make me nervous and I feel like I'm being judged just for being there. At least when I'm working I have the place that I fit. The second I am in workout gear and at the gym I'm the girl above....

Then it makes me think of a friend that I counsel camp with. She sings this penguin song. Essentially it's about a penguin that doesn't understand why it's important. It understands that it's important BECAUSE it's a penguin, not in spite of it.

 

Maybe that could be me. The penguin that was all dressed up with no where to go. Shit I don't know... I just want to find the place where I belong. I get it, I'm more alternative. I like tattoos. I love piercings. 

If I could my hair would be this color like it used to be!

 

I loved it when it looked like that! I felt like me.... this reddish purple color isn't me. It's not even like I want to stand out. It's just how I feel like me. I like bright colors. I'm loud. I love sports. I love feminism. I HATE oppressive language. I think we can talk to people and not hurt their guts. I think that we can empower people through minor actions. I am driven. I am inspired. I am.

That's the thing. I feel stunted. 

I could be HUGE but everyone is too bad giving me the look like I'm weird. I don't like drinking. I don't like partying. I love dinner parties and board games. I like going on drives with my music blasting WAY too loud. I like playing with my dogs at the park and just rolling in the grass. I like the beach and adventures. I don't like doing things that I am going to regret.

I LIKE BEING ME! I may not fit here but I just want to find the people that I do fit in with... The people that look at me and think "yeah, she's legit" and want to go on scavenger hunts at the grocery store and get lost in St. Louis with me. I miss being able to call my friends to go on a "brief" shopping trip to the farmers market that ends up taking hours cause we got caught up in the fun of it. I want those people again.... It really sucks feeling alone and realizing that you're surrounded by people that aren't your people....

 

Sometimes healing is a process... in my case it's an obstacle course

I talked a while back about how we accept the love we think we deserve. If you haven't read it, just click and you can catch up. It's important.

So, this week has been rough. I've accepted that I wasn't in love anymore. I was slowly moving on and then KAPOW! out of left field he dropped a bomb. The one bomb that I said would make me leave. It's hard when you put so much faith into someone. Faith that they will still value being a part of your life over their own selfish needs. Faith that your commitment and dedication might match theirs. Faith that somewhere under the disloyalty and the inability to be faithful within our relationship, that there was still a love for me and our friendship that would come out ahead.

Looking back, I've been waiting since April for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what my issue is, whether it's that I always want to see the best in people. Or if it's that I put too much of myself into loving others. I don't know but I seem to get burned in situations like this. I loved wholly and completely with all of me for over 3 years and in the end that was never going to be enough.

I don't want you to think that I am still dwelling on "us" and what not, because really this is about me. It's about my journey through trying to figure out what love really is. I am not fairy-tale-prince-sweep-me-off-my-feet kinda girl. It's just not my jam. Really, I love hanging out and HUGE romantic gestures freak me out. I'm not a flowers-delivered-to-work or a breakfast-in-bed girl. I would rather get in the car and go on an adventure.

I know I'm young and I keep getting told that one day the perfect person will come along and it'll be history from there. I want that. I want to have someone other then my mom (no offense) that I want to call at the end of the day and tell them about everything that happen. I used to have that. Well, I thought I had that. I did have the person to call, without the promise that it was enough. Without the promise of forever. Don't hear that I want be tying the knot anytime soon cause I am in NO RUSH, but I do want that. I want the warm body, the late night talks, the secrets, the always having someone to go to that will make you smile. I miss that. I miss what I thought I had.


It's amazing that you can make this idea up in your head of what things look like when that wasn't actually fact. I imagined this life that I had that wasn't real. It's strange to look at now and realize that I had tricked myself into a forever that was never there. Friends tried to tell me but I didn't listen because I wanted to know better. I didn't know better. I miss the people that I had in my life that over 3 years I cut off and pushed aside so that I could keep HIM. I miss being confident and feeling sexy and not having a worry. I miss knowing how to flirt with people. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's where I'm at.

I miss feeling safe and secure and knowing if I was in trouble he'd be there. He was never really there... but if I was in trouble he was. He was there when it really counted. Not that being there at night to tell me I'm amazing doesn't count, cause it did... but I know what that's like because I've never had that. I want a forever. I want a family. I want someone that makes me smile when I'm sad. It's been a long time since I've been with someone that made me smile instead of making me cry. When you've been slowly getting your heart broken you kinda forget what it feels like to be love.... I just want someone to remind me.

Dear Illinois

Dear Illinois, 

I've learned so far that you are used to keeping your own. People are from here, or near here, and there aren't a lot of "my kind" (west coasters) around here. I know that I am not of the likes of these mid-westerners but it would be splendid if you would explain yourself to me. You were ungodlyishly hot and humid for a while and I would go outside at 11 at night and it was still hot as hell. So now, two nights later, the nights are already getting cooler and it's not as humid. The days have been beautiful, don't get me wrong, I am WAY digging them. I wouldn't mind there being some consistency though. Why does it go from 70 to 20% humidity?! What is this? I mean come on Illinois, what is this?  I enjoy my temperate weather where nothing is extreme. I know that you are going to provide a few HORRIBLE months ahead of me, filled with snow and freezing cold and I will likely bitch about those too. You should work on that.

Second qualm.... Corn. REALLY?! You need to have MILES and MILES of this stuff? I have never seen this much randomly open space filled with the same thing EVER and I've been through Eastern Oregon. Granted Eastern Oregon has hills so you can't see as far but REALLY what is this? I mean, I enjoy a good ear of corn every now and then. But I am pretty sure that these are all the scary corn. The GMO filled, hazmat to harvest corn. I feel like the corn could attack me back and then I am going to be eaten alive by the creepy Genetically modified corn.

Then there are the bugs. Okay, have you ever seen a Cicada?! I mean REALLY looked at one? Those things are huge and nasty and my dogs have a fascination with them (well Milo does, Kida is terrified of them) and the second he touches it with his nose it makes the worst noise I have EVER heard. Those are another thing that I am anticipating eating me one day. I swear if I ever find one in my apartment I will scream and hide in the shower with a broom and some other kind of weapon. Then there are the mosquitos. Maybe those are genetically modified too.... They have been eating me alive...ugh!

So here's the moral of this story Illinois. I would love if you could do without the whole bug thing and have less scary corn. Also, supplying some consistency in the weather would be cool. I'm trying to work this whole Illinois thing out but you're just not helping me out.

Sincerely,
A very confused west coaster

There's no place like....

 It's welcome week here at SIUE. Apparently the theme is "There's no place like SIUE." I won't doubt that... but it's not like it's home here or anything. If I were to click my heels, this isn't where I would want to end up. I know I have been all acid and negativity lately...I think I should write in the morning when I am still all unicorns and rainbows. There just seems to have been shit getting in the way of my happy ending.

It's like this is what I'm supposed to feel about being here....

And I am still here:

Everything isn't as it seems.

So I have worked for years in social justice education. I will admit, I don't interrupt whenever I can, but I've never been in a situation that I felt like interrupting was "dangerous" until getting here. I've always worked with advisors and coordinators that I could walk in their office and have a conversation about why the ways they were being, or what they were saying was uncool. I don't feel like I can do that here.

Just stuck between a rock and a hard place....

It's about the little things

Ever since I've moved to Illinois I have learned that it is about the little things. Whether it's the snapchat from my girls letting me know they miss me while they were at Sauvi's Island, or the text from my mom reminding me she loves me. Today it was special though.

First, let me say this, it was my first day at work. Granted it went really well. My desk has been occupied by males the last... 6-8+ years (to be fully determined... this is just what I've heard) so things were a little clusterfluffed. There was stuff sitting on the desk from 2004. Why? I have no idea. Plus random other stuff. The only office supply in my desk was paper clips and scissors. For those of you that know me well, office supplies ARE MY JAM! LOVE THEM! So that didn't work for me. Part of me wishes I could take a picture of my old desk drawer so I can remember what's missing...

Anywho, I had meetings and trying to get organized, and decorating my new desk with... me!


See look how pretty it looks (note the sticky notes from my students at PSU)

It was a long day, but it was a pretty good one. I finally felt like I at least knew where to go, though I don't totally understand what I am doing yet, and I knew a few more people. Then I came home, tried to unwind and decided to leave to go to the grocery store. I opened my front door and this was waiting: 
From Lindsay and family! I got REALLY excited.... cause I'm nerdy like that...


Was told to enjoy, though let's be real, how could you not!?


This was everything included in the box.

I never saw it coming and it brought me to tears, I'll be honest. Because even though I had a good day, I still don't quite see where I belong here. This isn't home. Honestly, it was only today when I walked out of work to get the box of desk decor from my car that I realized, and caught my self saying aloud, "shit, I actually live here don't i?" I don't hate it here, but it's still weird. There is a part of me still waiting to  be done with this vacation and to go home. When school starts it will really hit me that I am here to stay. Until then, this was an amazing pick me up. I truly do have the best community that is backing and supporting me.