No face in the mirror

Running through a house. No face to be seen. I don’t know if I am just not here or if I just have but no reflection. Am I but a lifeless creature? What is this life I was given? Is this what is to come? Is this how others see me, lifeless, hidden and a faceless child, unaware of where she trod. Maybe this is trying to teach her something. She isn’t really sure. Mirror after mirror she sees nothing just a reflection of what is behind her. She isn’t here. You can’t see her nor can she see herself. Is it she or I that we are talking about? Am I she? Is this possible that I may write of a girl that so seeks to find herself but she is so hidden that she cannot find her anywhere. It’s like running around looking in windows and instead of seeing yourself in the reflection you see nothing, only what is on the other side of the window itself. I don’t understand this. Who Am I? Who is she? I can’t place these thoughts and where I am going. Maybe I am in fact this girl that I speak of, the girl that seeks nothing but herself. Running about trying to find myself. I am lost in this vortex of what I am. Phone ringing in my head. Voices scattered through my thoughts. Unsure of what they are saying to me. I can’t decipher this multitude of voices and noises that have corrupted my once sound train of thought. Where have I gone? Maybe the train that I have ridden through life has been derailed and is off in a world that no one knows of. Have I but discovered something new? I know not. Everyday I sit and I wonder when I will find myself. It seems as though there are people out there that know who I am. Will they share the insight? I want to know who I am. I look around at everything that is my life, trying to find me. I want to find even the smallest residual of what I ones was. I am afraid of who I am now. Not because it’s bad but because I don’t know who I am. She hands me a mirror and I can only see who I ones was, that isn’t me anymore. Who am I now?

He almost died....

I’ve learned what my major weakness is. I am a bitch. I was talking to a friend and said that everyone has something that they are really good at that they need to quit doing. Well I’ve figured out what mine is. I am really good at speaking my mind and putting it all out there. This can be a good thing…but usually it’s a bad thing. I hurt a really good friend and though right now I don’t feel it, I know I’m going to feel horrible later. I wish that I could feel things. It’s weird just living and not caring about anything. I found out last night that Pimp Daddy almost died yesterday morning. He flipped the Marquee tail over head into a ditch. When he told me I was worried but I knew that he was okay, obviously because he was sitting next to me, but if he wouldn’t have been I don’t know what I would have done. I honestly don’t know if it would have been the last card that knocked over the house of cards or if it would have just been one more to help stabilize it. I honestly have no idea. I mean it made me laugh that he was that dumb but I didn’t FEEL worried. I just knew that I should have been, so I acted accordingly. I haven’t talked to Alkboy in about a week and I don’t feel anything. I mean the thoughts go through my head of “is he okay” and “is he mad at me” and “should I call to let him know I care”….but I’m not worried or scared. I love him but that isn’t enough. Rose asked me yesterday if loving me is enough and I guess (no matter how much this hurts) the answer is no. Sometimes it’s not enough. The only reason I know it’s not enough is because I’m living it. I love with all that I am, and I’m not enough. I promise you though, Rose that I won’t do what Alkboy did and leave. I’m still here, even if it isn’t enough to make me feel or enough to make me trust people. Who knew that two boys could take so much from you? They’ve taken my trust, my hope, my perseverance, and my reason to care. That’s a lot if you think about it. All I want is You. Who You are, only I can tell. As this fire burns down my cheek I feel it not on my skin but searing into my soul. I’m burning from the inside out, and no one can put this fire out. Only You know how to stop this fire from consuming me. Pull me out from this flame, where the lightening strikes as I stand in cold blood. “Somewhere over the rainbow the dreams you dare to dream really do come true”…find me my rainbow so this dream that tearing apart my heart can come true. It’s a dream that none but know. You know this dream, and You have not helped so it sits tearing apart my being. CD lays and calms my tears; reminding me there is a life for me outside this death I’m become. I am but a walking ghost that You can not but feel. You reach out to me and your hands go right through me, touching not my soul. My soul is no longer here, just a body striving to find life in something. The dagger has been put away, it’s not needed, You cannot kill something that is already dead. There is nothing any of you can do to resuscitate this lifeless being.

How do you know what is real? Is something material real? Or is it just something that you have faith in? am I real? I am here and material but I don’t feel. Does that make me fake. What is this word we refer as real. Real, genuine, actual. factual, existent, walid, true, sincere, unfeigned, frank, heartfelt, unaffected, truthful, authentic, honest. That is what real is. That is not me. I am not heartful or sincere, I am definitely not existent. God damn it all…

Don't even try to translate it....

Я бегу от Вас. Знание я травмировал Вас и не знающий, как реагировать. Вы больны, пакинг, и я не могу делать с этим ничто. Что Вы хотите, чтобы я сказал? Сделайте Вы хотите, чтобы я сказал это иснт ваша ошибка. Но тогда я был бы лиинг. Джек - мальчик, которого Вы любите, тот, который Вы скрываете внутри. И что Вы делаете?Хорошо Вы пробуете держать Джека и Мандарин к вам непосредственно. Мандарин навещает, и Вы хотели его как близко к Вам насколько возможно. Вы останавливались, чтобы думать, что я нуждаюсь в нем к? Независимо от того, что я не гоинт, чтобы пробовать понять. Я нахожусь только в боли прямо сейчас. Ничто, которое Вы вызвали, ничто, Вы не можете помочь. Мое сердце кровоточит, и я умираю. Что, если это было последним, Вы услышали из меня? Крик? .... это является тем, что я думал.

Sitting alone, Feeling nothing

So I’m trying to figure out how to word my thoughts. I spent like 45 minutes talking to Cindy yesterday. She is such a great person. I was talking to her about Andrew and about alkboy and how I felt alone. I told her that I wanted to help Andrew and that I didn’t know how because I was still afraid to be near him. She told me to write a letter. So I did. I’ve edited it like twice so far. I feel as though I will keep editing it until it’s perfect (and knowing me that could be weeks). I really want to help him and I care so much about him still. I always will but that doesn’t change that I want nothing to do with him. I’ve been having moments lately this week that I wish my life was a part of history and no longer present time. I don’t know how to tell people what’s going through my mind. I feel abandoned and at a lack for importance. This may not be true but that’s how it feels. It’s like Alkboy is mad at me and couldn’t care less about what happens to me, Rose is too busy caught up in having it herself and keeping Tangerine and Jack to herself that she’s too busy for me. Daisy is here for me but she has her own fair share of crap and I’m trying not to add more and I don’t want to seem as though I’m complaining. I can’t really tell Fuchsia because we are just now getting to be good friends and I don’t think she’d get it. Pimp Daddy I can talk to and we were going to but his dumb-ass father told us we couldn’t hang out. I just want to turn and scream. I want to get in a car and drive until I can’t drive anymore. I know this sounds irrational but it’s true. I am out of the loop and confused and want to just run. I don’t want to be the center of anyone’s world and I don’t know what’s wrong with me but lately it’s just like nothing is working. I feel so depressed and I’m trying to act normal. I’m trying to act as though everything is fine. I wish I could do what I’ve done this week which is curl up on my bed and watch NCIS. It was nice having time to myself. I am just so confused. We have Charlie now too and he slept with me last night. He’s so cuddly and I know he trusts me. I’m the only one he follows and knows isn’t going to hurt me. I think we just understand each other, I know he won’t hurt me and god knows I wouldn’t ever hurt him. I hate that the artist and I messed up the friendship we had. I’m just afraid to get close to him again because jeez he blew me off once when it was important, how do I know it won’t happen again. I’m sure he’d listen if I needed to talk and maybe I’ll take advantage of that. I really want to talk to the dancer. He always listens and tells me what I need to hear. Not only does he tell me what I need to hear but he tells me the truth. I know I’ll always have a place in his life. He cares about me, I know it’s true. I pissed off his girlfriend and he backed me, not because he loves me but because he trusted what I told him. Can I just run away for a few days? I have friends that would house me. Just get away from all the people I mention in this entry. You should know who you are. I hope you understand what you’re doing to me. You may not even notice it or know that you’re doing it but you are. I want to be at home right now cuddling with my Charliedog. I sure hope we can keep him. I knew as soon as I saw him that I would love him. He’s different from Mooka, he just lays there and he listens attentively, he cuddles and he trusts me. He slept with me last night and the only time he moved was to get closer to me. I wish I had a boyfriend like him. With the exception of the fact that he was abused. Poor baby. One of these days I am just going to get ona bus and ride until I can’t figure out where else to ride. Just randomly switch buses. I just wanna turn off my cell phone and go. Leave, I don’t know where I would go, but I would just go until I couldn’t go anymore…I want to be wth Tangerine right now. He makes me feel happy. He doesn’t have to know what’s happening but he always seems to understand. I love that about him. That’s it, I’m leaving. The planning has begun. (oh and FYI....the picture...is my charlie...)

Follow my footsteps and end up in hell

So I am worried. I am worried about multiple people. My little brother almost got suspended for racial things. Like the fact that he allowed his friend to call him a "jewbitch". I am really mad and want to beat down that friend. Andrew though is who I am most worried about. I know I shouldn't care and I should want him to burn in hell but I don't I care a lot about him still and I always will. He was like an older brother to me for like 10 years and thta doens't just get thrown away. I've known him longer then I have known my own brothers. You see the thing is that when I see him, he looks like hell and I think his girlfriend is seriously hurting him when it comes to hus health. I am worried that he is going to hurt himself. I want to help him. Part of me feels that this is what he deserves and the other part wants to help him. Gosh dang it. i hate this feeling. I will always care about him. In my eyes he made a really bad choice and it is something I will always blame him for, BUT, he isn't a bad person. He is someone who messed up, but that mad thing doesn't form who he is. I mean seriously I have a ticket on my permanent record saying I got so drunk I got hospitalized for 36 hours, but that doesn't define who I am. i am not the alcoholic teenager that goes out partying everyweekend (though some people assume that when they hear about that fact of my life). Likewise, he raped me but that doesn't mean he would do it again, it doesn't mean he's ever done it to someone else, it doesn't make him a rapist. It makes him someone who messed up. He'll have to figure that out but in the mean time I want to help him and get him back to the point where we can be friends. I am so afraid that he is going to fail at PCC. I want to take it upon myself to make sure he at least doesn't fail psych. I mean that is MY school. I know how things run, I can help him. The real question though is....am I ready to help him?

And this is how you respond

So you called me today, you said you got my letter but didn’t have time to talk. I don’t get it. You said, “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses. Lets just let everything that’s happened be behind us.” Okay I can do that. But are you saying this is all my fault? Everything is my fault. You fucked up to ya know. I didn’t mess it up on my own. I just don’t get you. I am just kinda going with the flow, I guess, and not gonna get irritated with you because I don’t wanna remess this up. I want to scream at you. I want to run around crying because my brain's exploding. I want to understand. I am really frustrated that you aren't taking any of this fault on you. Seriously why? Why me? Why can't I just listen to my friends and drop you like a hot rock? Set you down and walk away and leave it there. There have been nights that I have wished that I could just walk away from you forever but it would K-I-L-L me. I cna't lose you. I love you. Damn you, I blame you for this. I honestly do. I hate you for this.

Heart's left bleeding on the floor

So what is this? All I wanted to do was explain to you why I am how I am. BUT NO, instead of saying you understand and are sorry you just say "well i know people that have it worse". I don't care if someone had it worse, i had it as bad as I could take it. "just quit being so depressed" yeah well fuck you, it's not that easy. It's not like I am always depressed it's just that i have my moments when I need someone and I've learned that it's not you. The only way I can describe how I'm feeling is it feels like my heart's been shred to pieces and i'm sitting here on the floor in my own pool of blood and you're just watching as i bleed to death. You don't care that I'm dying. You just care about telling me that, it could be worse. You're right my brother could have just died. He didn't have to just code he could have just flat out died. Would that make you feel better. Would that make the passed 5 years the worse possible. Oh or maybe I coulda gotten pregnant. That's it, what happened in February could have left me pregnant. Would that makes things worse. How about if I would have just died when i tried so many times. Would you even care? Miss me even a little bit? I highly doubt it. I just want you to understand and to tell me it's gonna be alright and to tell me he isn't gonna try to get near me or do anything like in February. Please just tell me you'll protect me but you won't. I know this now. i know that you don't really care. What can I do to make you understand. I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!! There I said it. You've broken my heart that's it. "I only wish my words could convince myself it just wasn't real but that's not the way it feels". Thank God fo Jim Croce

So tell me...are you gay?

We spoke like there was no block. I don’t understand how you can just brush things off like nothing happened. I love you, I don’t know if you know that but it’s true. My heart is in your hands and it’s like you haven’t acknowledged it’s there yet. When will you know? When will you notice and take action? I don’t care if this is that you give my heart back or if you keep it. I just want you to acknowledge that you have it.

So I have just one question? Who are you? I know who I am, and I know who you are. But the real question is do you know who you are? This isn’t something you have to think of very often but I want you to think about it. Think really hard. Include every aspect of your life. What is your reason for living? You do have a reason. You don’t really want to die. You just want to be known. Why do you shoot everyone down so much? Is that just so you make yourself feel better? If you must shoot me down then you have issues. I am the kid that almost killed herself a week and a half ago but no, you don’t know that because you haven’t given me the time of day. If you knew that would you stop pushing me down? My life isn’t something for you to abuse. You say I am always fighting back. Well wouldn’t you. If someone was just sitting there making fun of everything you did, of everything you thought and believed and said. You’d feel like crap like I do. Except maybe you’re stronger then I am, maybe you’d be able to brush it off but after a while of things picking away at my life I sit there and hold knife and scare myself. I don’t want to die but sometimes I just break. You don’t know this though because you haven’t given me the time of day. Sometimes when I say I hate you and say “fuck you” I mean it. I honestly wish sometimes that someone would just beat (literally) some sense into you. Being on the beach you were amazing. I wonder almost that if Violet wasn’t there if you would have just held me. That’s what I need, you know. I need you to just hold me and show you care. Do you understand how you hurt me? I hate that you hurt me and I want to be with you, not romantically but just there…God damn you and being a workaholic. I call seeing if you want to come see me for 2 HOURS, only 2 but no you have to help out at your cousin’s salon. I think I’ve figured out why you are being this way….you must be gay. That’s it I figured it out. Well at least you could have told me. I am more then accepting of that. I mean honestly I’ll still be a close friend, I just know now that since (in my eyes) you are gay, I can hook you up with my gay friends. Then you can be happy and things can go back to the way they were. Well I’m glad I have this all narrowed down. Now can things go back to normal now? Seriously just be honest with me and I’ll be accepting…

I just talked to you. I don’t think you understand. You said that if I wanted to end this friendship right here. I could just say the word. You obviously don’t get how important you are to me. You say that I take things too seriously. Well the thing is that with everything that has happened in my life with Javad, you have to take things seriously. I used to be able to take things jokingly but I just can’t anymore. Everything I ever believed was changed like 5 years ago. I tried to be a kid and it’s not that easy. The things that are constantly running through my mind are, “Could this day be his last?”, “Will today be the day I get a call saying it’s over?”, “Is tomorrow going to change my life forever?” I don’t think you understand that one of the most important things in my life has almost died TWICE and there was nothing I could do. I don’t share a blood type so I can give him NOTHING. He was my reason for living for 3 years and I almost lost him once in the time. You weren’t here then. You didn’t see it happen. Yeah I know that Adam isn’t like this but he wasn’t here. He wasn’t there when he was born. He was told that he could see him so had to result to standing on a vacuum cleaner trying to see through the ICU window. He didn’t lose every one of his friends because his brother was “defective”. I was told once that it must be partially my fault since we share a mother, that I must have something wrong with me as well. Do you know how much that affects a 12 year old? When someone tells you that there must be something wrong with you because you’re brother is sick. I can’t take things as a joke. I try really hard but most of the time it just doesn’t work. My life has been formed around fear. So because of this instead of attaching myself to the things I love I try to turn and walk away. Well the thing is with you is that I sometimes try to walk away, and it feels like you let me, like you’re pushing me. It makes it really easy to run from you and I’m trying to change and make myself stay. I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to me; I just can’t help but feel sometimes like it’s either your rep or me. I don’t want you to change; you said you would try if I asked. I love who you are because you are you and no one else. You don’t act like you care what other people think, though I know you do at times. Things can’t be easy trying to be the guy that everyone likes. Tell me, how do you do it, being the people pleaser that you are. Ever been a knight in shining armor? I’m sure you have. You just didn’t know it. I haven’t been having issues because I like you, I can handle us not being, what I can’t handle though, is you not being here. I just want you to be here for me, like I have been for you. I don’t break down often, and the other night was really scary. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I just wanted you to be there to hold me. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want you because I liked you either; I wanted you because you’re my best friend and I knew you cared. I hope you know that if there were ever a time you needed me I’d be there. I think you know that by now though. The only thing though is that this HAS TO be a two way street. I’ve got baggage, you know. I’ve been through my fair (and unfair) amount of shit. I’ve been around the block a few times, I know my way around this place called hell. I know you have baggage too even though you pack it into the smallest space possible. I’m just upfront about it. Why can’t you be? You say I’m your best friend but obviously not. I say that for two reasons 1) you said earlier that if I wanted to end this friendship I could and if I were your best friend you wouldn’t have said that because you’d want to find a way to make it work and 2) you never tell me anything anymore. You said that I hadn’t called you lately well you were the one that quit calling me. You are the one that used to call me everyday and I was fine with that. I’ll just have to start calling you again. I miss talking to you. I miss having something to look forward to every night. I just miss you. I’ve never been like this with someone. I want to have just us time that we can just hang out and chill. We never get to have that. You’re always so busy. I’m busy too and I just want there to be time. I don’t always want to see you around the guys. I want to see you, how you are with me, like you were that night you stayed over. I want to see you like that more often. Just hanging out and chilling.

Somehow you’ve managed to distract me from my classes. You are on my mind because I want you to understand. I wish I could just make you get it. My whole life has changed this summer. Did you notice that. Where I stand in half my families life has changed. I’ve lost importance so I seek it out elsewhere. Like from you. One of these days I will show up on your doorstep just because I need to see you. I know it is going to happen. I know that as soon as I have a car, yours will be the house I show up at. I’ll call to say hello and tell you to anwer the door and you’ll be confused and then I’ll be there. And we can sit and look at the stars and just be. That’s all I need, is to just be. Can you teach me to be?

A weekend to reckon with--written 9.30

Today is a day unlike any other day. I don’t quite know how to put it in to words. It’s strange because I am here at this youth retreat and not knowing what to do. I mean I thought I was going to be the only girl but then this gir Violet is here and she used to go to our church then her family quit coming and now she is back again. We’re realy clicking though. She’s really cool and I think we could have a really awesome friendship if I let it happen. The things that is starting to both me though is that Louie is here and he won’t talk to me. It’s like he’s totally avioding me. If he goes somewhere and I follow he turns and walks the other direction. It kind of hurts because I thought I was his best friend and now he’s acting like he doesn’t even know me and that hurts. Whatever happen to not wanting to hurt me? It’s okay he’s just being a bitch. Well on a REALLY REALLY happy note, I got to see Lucas today. It was awesome because he said he was gonna come by and so he came and we got to hang out and Vi hung out with us. He brought Mt.Dew and it makes mehappy because I now have a 2 Liter Mt. Dew. I am going to share with Vi but still. Who else has friends that shows up when they’re at a retreat and brngs Mt.Dew and hangs out until midnight. That made me so happy. We were hugging and I just didn’t want to let go. I mean seriously I just wanted to get hugged forever cause it was definitely what I needed. I also knew that if I quit hugging him that he would leave and then I would have to go upstairs and think with myself. I wish he could have stayed. Honestly that would have been really REALLY cool. Just kinda stayed the night and stuff. His mom wouldn’t have cared. He can just come and go as he pleases. He might bring coffee tomorrow, and he said he’s going to make us a cake and bring it. He’s just the sweetest guy. I wish all guys were like him but God damn it they aren’t. If I could wish for anything I would wish that Louie could learn from Lucas. This is the other thing. Lucas was teasing me and Louie was like “hey I like this kidd already” so see if he likes him then can’t he just be more like him. I love Louie’s personality and stuff, I just don’t like how he’s making me feel lately. He’s just being a heart breaker and that sucks just about as much as it possibly can. I have been putting off doing homework like all week and if I don’t do it soon, it’s going to bite me in the ass. I seriously can’t afford to get anything less then a C in any of my classes and a C is only exceptable in either Western Civ or Bio but NOT both. Seriously what’s wrong with me…why can’t I just win and get A’s in all my classes. On and I didn’t say that Andrew is back in town and he is going to PCC. How did I find this out you might ask…well he’s in my Psych class. I am really NOT happy about it but I guess I’ll get used to it. Shauna wants me to spy on him for her so that she can know that he is okay and that he is healthy. She’s really worried about him and I think that’s valid so I agreed to it. I dunno. Plus I am doing it partially just to spite him but we’ll see how it goes….


Today is something I don’t quite have words for. I couldn’t understand the warmth I felt deep in my guts. It’s the same feeling as when you’re holding fresh warm bread on a cold day, comfort. I’m so thankful for the ocean and being able to hear the wave. It’s really cool being able to hear the waves and smell them from anywhere by the cabin. I’m also thankful for how close Louis and I are getting again. Like old times. My true blessing though has been Lucas. He showed up last night and today he brought my cake. Not something he had to do but something he chooses to. Friends are such a blessing and with out them I don’t know how I’m making it through each day. The sky is a serene blue while the sand is a smooth untouchable surface. It’s nice to know that some things are untouched.

This week overall has been really hard. I just feel alone. I don’t wanna tell anyone but him about how I’m feeling, but he doesn’t have time to talk. It’s hard to love someone that doesn’t give you the time of day. Am I that unimportant? It makes me sad that I have no one to talk to. I’m supposed to be the one that has it all together, but I don’t and sometimes I just break. The other night really scared me, but I couldn’t call, he wouldn’t be there. God damn

And so he reappears-written 9.27

So today is something different. I am so freakin’ irritated. It’s because he’s here. HE is here. I seriosuly don’t know what’s going on. I haven’t seen him since February and that night. But no he had to walk into my psych class today, head held high. He transferred in from the other 101 class. Of course. I swear if I find out he knew I was in this class I’m going to murder him. He is making my brain go at like 180 miles per hour. My head is beating like it only had that night, and I’m scared. This is freaking me out. I knew I would have to see him eventually but I wasn’t thinking it would be any time soon. Seriously this wasn’t supposed to be how it went. I was planning on when I was ready emailing him and asking if he wanted to do something not having him randomly show up in MY psychology class. And then he asks me what I am doing here. Well dumbass this is my school, my favorite teacher, my psych class, and my life….get out of it. I can’t quit looking over at him….gotta go focus on Cindy. I’m really nervous for class to end for fear that he’ll try to talk to me. If he ends up being in any other of my classes I will scream. So I made it out of that class not having to talk to him. I don’t know how I managed. By the time I turned around on the other side of the CC, I could see him, I don’t know wher ehe was going but it wasn’t near me. My heart was pounding out through my ears.I swear seeing him is just freaky. I mean seriously what are the odds that he would take a 101 class much less the one I’m in. I am kinda mad at my mom. Why didn’t she tell me that he was going to stay in portland. I mean seriously. It’s so frustrating. I thought he was off away at Pacific not here. Here isn’t cool for me. I want him away. Far away.