Today is a day unlike any other day. I don’t quite know how to put it in to words. It’s strange because I am here at this youth retreat and not knowing what to do. I mean I thought I was going to be the only girl but then this gir Violet is here and she used to go to our church then her family quit coming and now she is back again. We’re realy clicking though. She’s really cool and I think we could have a really awesome friendship if I let it happen. The things that is starting to both me though is that Louie is here and he won’t talk to me. It’s like he’s totally avioding me. If he goes somewhere and I follow he turns and walks the other direction. It kind of hurts because I thought I was his best friend and now he’s acting like he doesn’t even know me and that hurts. Whatever happen to not wanting to hurt me? It’s okay he’s just being a bitch. Well on a REALLY REALLY happy note, I got to see Lucas today. It was awesome because he said he was gonna come by and so he came and we got to hang out and Vi hung out with us. He brought Mt.Dew and it makes mehappy because I now have a 2 Liter Mt. Dew. I am going to share with Vi but still. Who else has friends that shows up when they’re at a retreat and brngs Mt.Dew and hangs out until midnight. That made me so happy. We were hugging and I just didn’t want to let go. I mean seriously I just wanted to get hugged forever cause it was definitely what I needed. I also knew that if I quit hugging him that he would leave and then I would have to go upstairs and think with myself. I wish he could have stayed. Honestly that would have been really REALLY cool. Just kinda stayed the night and stuff. His mom wouldn’t have cared. He can just come and go as he pleases. He might bring coffee tomorrow, and he said he’s going to make us a cake and bring it. He’s just the sweetest guy. I wish all guys were like him but God damn it they aren’t. If I could wish for anything I would wish that Louie could learn from Lucas. This is the other thing. Lucas was teasing me and Louie was like “hey I like this kidd already” so see if he likes him then can’t he just be more like him. I love Louie’s personality and stuff, I just don’t like how he’s making me feel lately. He’s just being a heart breaker and that sucks just about as much as it possibly can. I have been putting off doing homework like all week and if I don’t do it soon, it’s going to bite me in the ass. I seriously can’t afford to get anything less then a C in any of my classes and a C is only exceptable in either Western Civ or Bio but NOT both. Seriously what’s wrong with me…why can’t I just win and get A’s in all my classes. On and I didn’t say that Andrew is back in town and he is going to PCC. How did I find this out you might ask…well he’s in my Psych class. I am really NOT happy about it but I guess I’ll get used to it. Shauna wants me to spy on him for her so that she can know that he is okay and that he is healthy. She’s really worried about him and I think that’s valid so I agreed to it. I dunno. Plus I am doing it partially just to spite him but we’ll see how it goes….
Today is something I don’t quite have words for. I couldn’t understand the warmth I felt deep in my guts. It’s the same feeling as when you’re holding fresh warm bread on a cold day, comfort. I’m so thankful for the ocean and being able to hear the wave. It’s really cool being able to hear the waves and smell them from anywhere by the cabin. I’m also thankful for how close Louis and I are getting again. Like old times. My true blessing though has been Lucas. He showed up last night and today he brought my cake. Not something he had to do but something he chooses to. Friends are such a blessing and with out them I don’t know how I’m making it through each day. The sky is a serene blue while the sand is a smooth untouchable surface. It’s nice to know that some things are untouched.
This week overall has been really hard. I just feel alone. I don’t wanna tell anyone but him about how I’m feeling, but he doesn’t have time to talk. It’s hard to love someone that doesn’t give you the time of day. Am I that unimportant? It makes me sad that I have no one to talk to. I’m supposed to be the one that has it all together, but I don’t and sometimes I just break. The other night really scared me, but I couldn’t call, he wouldn’t be there. God damn
1 comment:
ya...Lucas is the shit
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