Silent Tears

Child of the night, scream my name for you've lost me again. I hear your crying through the wall of my heart. I've never heard you scream before, just your silent wimpers inthe dark. I can feel your misery from here. Though this distance kills me I can feel it kills you too. I knowyou can't do everything, but do this, run back to me. Know i didn't love you but instead you turned and ran from me and I tried to chase you but couldn't keep up. I want to be back with you. I want to be back in your heart. Maybe I never lead on maybe i was never there. The call is all yours. A rose wiltsin fear the sun won't shine, a daisy holds fear knowing the ground will hold her. And I, I don't even bare to get p for fear I'll fally straong on my face.

Monday's with Mommy

She's left me here. "I'm sorry I can't be there until 6". It's freakin a quarter to five right now. I'd call for a different ride but my phone is dead and i can't find a pay phone. I so badly want to cry because she said this time would work. I'm just here. But God forbid I come first, it's all about Javaf and his fucking five year old muscles. He just sits there broken, frail and useless. I don't need him, I'm better off alone. Back when I was an only child things were okay. I'm standing up to her and telling her I"m sick of her. I hope she smacks me so I can call for rescue. I don't think she understands I've got nothing to do now but cry and be horridly sick. What would I have to do to get to her? The second she lays a hand on my I"m out of this house. But who would I call? Louis, Anna, Louie? They'd be the three on my list. Probably first of third, just because I'd want my knight in shining armor. I'd just want to see her go down. I couldn't call children's services. She's hit me before and I didn't do a thing. A smack in a target, a throw in the apartment. I'm almost afraid to yell at her, but I'm so irritated that she doesn't get it. Why doesn't she just call my dad, or Adam? Have them come get me. Doesn't that makes more sense? But no she has me sit here for an hour waiting for a dumb bitch to come pick me up. She married a man just as dumb and tempermental. Maybe she should hit him. You see, I'm alone in this world, just you, me and my musiv. I quit listening to music ya know. It's just so depressing, I can't take it. I hope he decides to go to this concert. I don't think he understands how important it is to me. I dont know how to tell him how much this concert means to me.

Have you ever wanted to change your appearance and name and start all over hoping it works? That's al i want at this percise moment in time.

Sunday 9/24/2006

God damn! Where is my boy today? I miss him and so badly need a hug. It's ridiculous. This week has jus tbeen so hard. I've just felt as though I wanted to curl up and die due to dehydrationthrough excessive tears. I know this is something I have stated many times throughout this week. I just don't know what to say. I'm just so afraid of losing myself. I've been able to "find" myself before, but i just don't know if I can do it again. I can only rebuil myself so many times before I just stay a crumbled mess on the floor of your garage. No one would guess that me, the together and supportive friend, could be so afraid, scattered and disfunctional. God Damn this life. Maybe it can help my get my crap in order

This is my brain, it's chewy like gum

Hmmm so it's kinda interesting today. I want to turn and just cry because I feel like people are picking away at my brain. My mother is all up in my business. She started questioning my best friends motives. I don't get that. Without my beautiful lady I wouldn't be here. Seriously there are like 2 girls that are just the rock I've stood on, one is my Rose and the other is my Daisy. My Daisy may be much older then me but that has never seemed to bother her before but suddenly it's like "So she drinks right? Do you two drink together? Does she try to get you to drink?" What the hell. No she's my best friend, my older sister, my firm foundation, and the only person that i can share EVERYTHING with. I can tell her anything from the newest girl that caught my eye, to the boy that's broken my heart, yet she's still the person I can just play in the park with. I don't ever have people that I can play hard with and talk limitless with. i mean I can tell my Rose most things but there are just some things that I know would make her uncomfortable. I couldn't tell her about the old days. I've told her some things but that's not everything. I've told Daisy EVERYTHING. As soon as I can I want to tell Daisy. Why is it that suddenly everyone is questioning our relationship. It's like worse then someone questioning my boyfriends love for me, it's someone saying they don't know why we wanna hang out becuase of the 5 year age difference. What the hell. I just don't get it. She's like my sister. If we were related by blood they wouldn't be challenging us being together. Whatever, people are really dumb and they don't control who I love and who I choose to spend my time with.

New thing. So though I've been really upset lately because my life's been shot to hell, I feel as though things are looking up. I think the fact that I'm really busy is helping. When I'm busy it gives me less time to think. The other night, I hope you know, I didn't carry through with anything in that blog...in either of them. I just needed a way to say that i was upset and that it's what I wanted to do. It's what I felt I needed but I didn't. I'm stronger then that. As I looked at myself in the mirror today I realized you can read me really well. If you were to look at me you would think that i am a women with a newborn baby at home who's boyfriend just left her. You're wondering why I say this. Well my eyes are really puffy because of how much crying I have done(leaving boyfriend), but I also have the bags under my eyes and the hollowness of all my emotions from lack of sleep(newborn baby). I just look dead to the entire world. I tried to cover it up today with make-up and it looked worse. I feel like I'm an abused child that's hiding behind her henious facade in order to hide the bruises that have been caused. All these bruises and gashes in my soul are from so many people I don't even know who to blame anymore. "the first cut is the deepest. I'd have given you all that I got, but someone came and torn it apart. I'd have given you all that I am, so I'll just try to love again, try..." There we go. Can I send that song to my Alkboy? I've realized that everyone has a code name in my life. I have my Rose, Daisy and Alkboy. Those are the three main that I hide behind. I just love them so much that I don't know what to do without them. I will, I'll just try to love again, you convinced me Rose, you convinced me....

I Am An Empty Vessel

I am an empty vessel. Sitting in an overfilled room. Nothing is the right size to fill me, everything just seeps out. This room I’m in has no room for me. I am but a small thorn in a world of roses. You see me hidden but never know when to expect it. My life is empty. Nothing completes me. My eyes are dry, my skin in raw, I am a disgrace. No one would want me. No one wants to see this body I live in. Impossible to love, is what I am. To look at me is painful to your eyes. These bruised limbs show you how lucky you are to be blessed. No one would raise a hand to you, but me, I am not worth it. They raise a hand not because I am beautiful, but because I am not worth their time. I sit and watch them take their time with others but not me. When you look at me do you see something worth loving? These bags under my eyes are from you. From sleepless nights and endless tears. But never were you the cause. You were the solution. You gave me a reason to live.‚…and to die. So here I sit. In this world all my own, the one place I am needed. And I inhaled needles, feeling them slice down my throat, a painful end, but I live and light the match. Lying in a bed of flames that indulge in my scorching flesh. I lose feeling and for once I am at peace. A peace that in my many years I have never known. This is feeling similar to the brief peace of the blade. You see though this is different. It is permanent. This is finally to the magnitude of everything that is inside. My life has been spent seeking a physical pain extreme enough to match what I feel everyday. This is it, the flames enveloping my body. I am but a scarecrow on fire. Stake me in your field and leave me to bleed. Let me rot there with your crops. Leave us to ourselves. They are but nature and they will live, but I will not. Leaving me here, staked to save the crop, let my blood by fertilizer. Light up the night with whom I am. Tell people the story of the crazy girl who was loved not. The one that had to funeral because the money would be a waste. The girl that no one loved, no one would attend. A priest would stand there and pray over my god-forsaken body and I would be lowered into the ground. Finally in a place that I am used to, everyone then would know that I was being trampled by innocent feet. This is where I am meant to be. In this bottomless pit I call my grave. Six feet under, warm and alone. This is where I want to be

A Fear So Deep It Bleeds

Laying here motionless, blade against my skin. Yearning for the connection it’s used to. Hands shaking beyond recognition. Tears streaming down my face. Pain surging through my veins, oil replaces the blood leaving me with no feeling. One thin line after another. I sit and watch the thick black liquid seem from my skin, turning to a rushing red as it hits the air. Confusion and hurt fill me. Is this blood or affected oil, I can’t feel so it must be oil. The oil covers my hands as the tears soak my face. My heart is a black hole that is sucking in the rest of my being. All of who I am, is in your hands, the ones I long to cover with these blood soaked hands. I’m scared for my life. Afraid I’ll take this too far. Afraid that this blade will sink too deep. Afraid to lose my feet. Knowing you’re not there to take care of this broken heart. Knowing that blood makes you sick and run for cover. What about a simple break that heals with your teals. If my corpse was placed on your door step would you stop and weep before stepping over it on your way to work? Would my body enable you to get to your car? Make it hard to let your dog out. Am I just a road block on the way to make things good for you? My heart is falling out onto the pavement. Do you see it there? It’s that thing your foot just kicked into the mud. It’s trampled and incomplete. Gaping open for all to see. I'll give you a choice. Take my blade away or press it deep into the core of who I am. If you sit here like you have been then you might as well stab it in deeper. I know this feeling. I graze the blade gently along my skin then scratch at this fake skin I live in. This outer costume isn't real. It is a beauty that someone gave me to hide this disgusting creature I truly am. I just want to scratch this facade out so that I can be real. Show people my inner monster that eats away at my heart and everything I live for. You are turning into the monster that likes in me. What ever happened to being a knight in shining armor? Is that over rated these days? Won't you come and defeat this dragon inside of me?

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Sometimes I have my days that it seems as though nothing really matters. My emotions are something small and insignificant. I just don’t understand how it is that I am just a girl that has no feelings according to those of the male persuasion that surround me in my everyday life. There are days that I wake up and stare into what seems to be nothingness and just fear moving out of my bed into the world that seems to eat my joy. Everyday there seems to be something that muddles my mood. The green in the grass and the red in the roses don’t seem nearly as bright without a simple love. Love is such a powerful influence in people’s lives yet it seems as though it eats away at people’s complete inner being…Isn’t it true that who you are is defined by the trials you have had to concur in your life? Well then I am defined by a lot of Crap.

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Today I have been thankful for few moments. I am thankful for Anna and that I am so blessed as to have her in my life. I am thankful for morning snuggles and chicken noodle soup. I am thankful for movies that calm my thoughts and songs that make me think. Things like cold pizza, breathe, showers and Tiki brought me joy. Bratty kids, silly coworkers, cute boys and grateful bosses make me feel important. But most importantly it is the rain; thermal sweatshirts and dancing that allow me to feel the beauty of nature.

A day like today is filled with pain as are many days in this passed week. Confusion, hurt, misery and pure agony remind me why friends are so important. Dumb things like boys and disappointment fill my life with grief and despair. The frustration of distance wretches at my heart as I realize maybe it’s just not worth it.