Thoughts in My Head

Today is a Thursday. Just a thursday, nothing special but why isn't it? Why can't Mondays be unique and Tuesdays be crazy, Wednesdays be wacky and Thursdays be special. Everyday should be amazing. Even if it sucks it can still be amazing, amazingly bad or good or just special. I hate that people can say that "today was just like every other day". NO IT'S NOT. Everyday is different VERY different. You don't have to get it but it's fine, doesn't mean I'm not right. My brain works in ways yours never will. Just accepted it as okay. I've accepted it and you should too damn it.

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No matter how far you run, you can't run away from who you are. We are the one person we are stuck with forever. I'll admit there are days I don't like who I am and who I'm becoming and who I've become but it's not something I can change. I can alter bits and pieces of who I am but there will always be the small things in my life that I'm not going to agree with. I am a pathalogical liar and I really have to think before I talk to make sure it's true. It's ridiculous. That is constantly something I am working on to quit and until I quit it will bother me. We will always hate bots and pieces about ourselves but we learn to live with it. Do we believe that we can actually drive ourselves crazy.

When we walk down the street everyday we see people that we can judge. They are too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too awkward, too.....ANYTHING. Why must we be so judgemental? Is this something we've learned from society or is it something that is within us? Why can't we go outside of this and not look at people with a judging eye? What the fuck is wrong with this? What is wrong with this culture and what it's taught us. Fuck society and what we're taught, become something new, better, become who you want to be, what you want to believe and fuck the influence of society

1/30/07--A Letter to a Boy

How the hell did you do this to me? I spend three months getting over the pain, gettig over my love for you and then in just a few hours you manage to bring it all back. The day at Costco and laying on my bed. The late nights, the laughing, the crying, everything. It could have been perfect but you messed up. Everythin I once was with you is dead. You took the part of me that was able to love, to live, to move through this world with grace. I go through every day pushing you out of my mind and by the end of it, I'm still wishing my phone would ring and I'd hear your voice. I want to be at all your shows, i wanna be the one that you kiss after you play, not some little blonde things I don't know. It's all to hell. I hope your band's a flop and you end up stuck in Portland with nowhere to go, but at the same time I want you to become freakishly famous so I can see you everwhere I go. i want to go to all your shows and have you never know or to be able to chalk it all up to coincidence but that isn't gonna happen is it? I'm gonna be famous and you'll see what you missed out on. You'll understand one day that I was the best you were gonna get and you'll miss me like I miss you everyday since we parted. You'll see and I won't be sorry for anything I said. You'll see.

1/21/07--Just another Sunday

I woke up this morning knowing it was just another Sunday. Why is every day just another day in my mind? Why can't every day be special? What makes a day average and what makes it wonderful? I want days to be wonderful I don't want any of this mediocre bull shit. I want my life to be a life worth living and right now its not. I am a pot smoking, alcohol drinking, over-the-top, sponteniously defiant teenage girl. I want there to be more to my life then that. I want people to look at my life and say, "wow she knew what she was doing," not have them say, "well she didn't have her shit together did she?"

1/24/07--As God Walks With Me....

Everyday we walk down the street fearing the things we can not see. We fear being mugged or that someone is watching us. Someone may be being harmed in the building we are walking by, but why? Why is it negative? Why can't we think of the good? The kid baking cookies with his gramma or learning to ride a bike. Who do we fear when we are not alone? We aren't walking by ourselves. Every time we walk we fall into step with God, we walk to the rhythm of his ministries. I have days that I try to run or skip just to be out of step, to do things my way, but someone at the ened of every day we are again in sync. Over the years I have managed to fall out of rhythm once or twice, but then when I stop and turn around, God is walking behind me, watching me journey on my own. He refuses to leave in case I need someone to fall back on. He's always there to catch me when i fall. Some days I wish God would show me that he is there. I know inside myself that he is but it's so easy to blame God when you trip. Some of the things that we see everyday that we already doubt them, making them easy to believe in. Why is is so easy to believe in the things that are superficial and yet so hard to place our faith and our lives in God. The superficial and the worldy things aren't going to be there when you need a hand up after you've fallen, God will be...