Hearing your voice

I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower this week. It's where the quote "we accept the love we think we deserve" came from. It's a beautifully done movie. It really is. The book changed my life. I mean that 110% and the movie was an AMAZING representation of the book. I truly loved it. It made me remember the friends and the community that I have like that back home. The ones that will go for drives just to feel the wind in your hair. And the ones that have that ONE SONG that just makes everything seem okay that you hear one day on the radio and can never find again, but when you do find it it's MAGIC and everything is great again.

 I have that friend. I've had him my entire life. Sometimes I forget what it's like to have that one person that GETS you, until I'm around him and all my worries, all my cares just seem to drift away. My best friend called me today. He'd had a bad night, I've had a bad month and in that first second he said "it's great to hear your voice" and it was! It was AMAZING to hear his voice. I just felt that in that second it was all alright because I knew that no matter how bad things got I would ALWAYS have him at my side.

I don't really remember what my life was like before him or without him. There have been long periods of time that we haven't talked but we were always there for each other when it mattered...when it was necessary. He's always the person that I imagine dancing like an idiot with me at my wedding and making fun of the groom. It's always been important to me that he like the people I was with because I knew if he didn't get along with them it didn't really matter. He's the best person I could ever ask to have in my life. It's my other half. The yin to my yang.

I have recognized lately how much a part of me he is. It's dreadful being so far away where I can't just call him and meet him wherever he is to go on some adventure or bake a pie or grab a beer. He's so much a part of me and I of him. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have found my best friend at such a young age. He'll always be my partner-in-crime, my brother, my confidante.

What does it mean to be alone?

I don't think you ever really know what it feels like to be alone until you have that moment that you are surround by people and still lonely. This move has been anything if not hard for me. I am in this strange place where I have been called out for my beliefs and my "alternative self". I mean really, a plus sized girl with purple hair, piercings and tattoos in a world of skinny girls with their natural hair color and no body mods. I stick out like a sore thumb.

This is where I feel like most days. 

Back in Portland I had kinda come to terms with being the chubby girl working in Campus Recreation. I mean lets be real, I know that I don't look like I'm supposed to. I don't work out because gyms make me nervous and I feel like I'm being judged just for being there. At least when I'm working I have the place that I fit. The second I am in workout gear and at the gym I'm the girl above....

Then it makes me think of a friend that I counsel camp with. She sings this penguin song. Essentially it's about a penguin that doesn't understand why it's important. It understands that it's important BECAUSE it's a penguin, not in spite of it.

 

Maybe that could be me. The penguin that was all dressed up with no where to go. Shit I don't know... I just want to find the place where I belong. I get it, I'm more alternative. I like tattoos. I love piercings. 

If I could my hair would be this color like it used to be!

 

I loved it when it looked like that! I felt like me.... this reddish purple color isn't me. It's not even like I want to stand out. It's just how I feel like me. I like bright colors. I'm loud. I love sports. I love feminism. I HATE oppressive language. I think we can talk to people and not hurt their guts. I think that we can empower people through minor actions. I am driven. I am inspired. I am.

That's the thing. I feel stunted. 

I could be HUGE but everyone is too bad giving me the look like I'm weird. I don't like drinking. I don't like partying. I love dinner parties and board games. I like going on drives with my music blasting WAY too loud. I like playing with my dogs at the park and just rolling in the grass. I like the beach and adventures. I don't like doing things that I am going to regret.

I LIKE BEING ME! I may not fit here but I just want to find the people that I do fit in with... The people that look at me and think "yeah, she's legit" and want to go on scavenger hunts at the grocery store and get lost in St. Louis with me. I miss being able to call my friends to go on a "brief" shopping trip to the farmers market that ends up taking hours cause we got caught up in the fun of it. I want those people again.... It really sucks feeling alone and realizing that you're surrounded by people that aren't your people....