The Good, The Bad, and the Monsters

If you've ever talked to me you know that my pupsters are my world. I mean get away from the fact that they are the cutest little pupster terrors ever, and they are also the smartest and most loving creatures in the world. I'll admit I might be a little partial but I don't care.

I've been through a lot in my life and I think a small part of my mom knew that I needed a pet when I was little. I've always had anxiety, I've never handled change or stress well but having pets balanced me. In the times that my depression and anxiety was the worst I thrived on knowing that something else's life relied on me being there to take care of it. It might sound slightly twisted to those that have never suffered from mental health issues but it's a real thing. In so many ways my pets growing up saved me from myself and I can't really imagine who or where I would be now had my mom not made sure they were always around.

With that, when I do crash or find the dark spots of my life it is my pets that suffer because on the days I don't have the energy to get out of bed they don't get the love and attention that they need. I'm not blind in thinking this doesn't happen. I can feel it happening.

When my ex and I brought Milo home I was hurt. Like physically. I had gotten into a bad car accident the night before we drove to Medford to pick him up and my body was out of whack, my head wasn't processing properly. I was a mess. Then we got Milo and my heart melted. We spent those first couple weeks with me at home, or at my parents house, snuggling with him as I healed. When I was hurting or upset he'd snuggle closer. He still does this.

Then we got the wild child. My Kida is a firecracker. She frustrates me more than I think any animal could. She also brings me some of the most joy. I had to laugh at her the other day cause I was upset and just in a funk and so I crawled into their playpen and curled up on their bed with Milo. Kida was minding her own business playing with her toys when she realized I was crying and she started bringing me all her favorite toys and proceeded to curl up at my feet.

My pupsters aren't my world because they need me to take care of them. In so many ways they are my world because I need them to take care of me.

Sitting here on my bed, Milo snuggled in between my legs and Kida asleep on my feet, I can feel them both snoring peacefully. They were throwing up this morning from consuming chocolate and all I could think my whole drive back was how I don't know how I would handle being in Illinois if something happened to one of them. Because I love them more than 98% of the people I know.

We didn't get dogs because I wanted to. We got dogs because my ex wanted to. I think in actuality the universe knew that I needed them as much and more than they needed me. They're my kids and my center. On nights like tonight they will snuggle into bed with me and I'll wake up to Kida licking my toes when she decides it's time to wake up after Milo has already stolen the pillow that he's sharing with me. Some might think this is annoying but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Is there a difference between baggage and a monster in the closet?

I think everyone's heard the stupid line that we all have baggage all we can do is hope we find someone who a) (whose) baggage matches ours or b) cares enough to help us unpack. But what if it isn't the baggage that's the problem? What if we can leave the baggage at the door but we can't help but fear the monsters that live in the closet and under the bed?

I don't remember ever being afraid of the monsters under the bed or in the closet as a kid. I think I'm more afraid of them now as an adult because those monsters are scary because they're real. Skelton's of lives passed and memories I've tried to forget. My monsters are the things I tried to forget that come up at random times when all they do is cause problems. It's funny how your subconscious will remove memories from your consciousness... that doesn't mean they're gone. Just means they aren't current in your mind. Just gaps of time. Until they let themselves out.

I've spent the better part of my adulthood trying to hide from anything and anyone that would ask questions. Any situations where I might have to be honest and let myself be vulnerable. Because when I'm vulnerable the monsters come out.

Is there a difference though? Between your baggage and my monsters? Is it like bringing a knife to a gun fight? Or are they comparable? I know baggage you can dress up and try to make it seem better. I remember when I used to add sparkles and glitter to the baggage in my life trying to make it less threatening to others.

Unfortunately, I never figured out how to make the monsters seem more snuggly. They still wake me up at night, in a cold sweat, heart racing and out of breath.

So tell me, how do you make yourself vulnerable and let someone see the monsters knowing full well you have no control over them? For years I've tried to fight them with no success and I refuse to let them be something that someone fights for me.

Ironic that my brain can slowly unravel at a song... I don't know if I'll ever understand this.

Under the Blood Moon I gain perspective

The last couple weeks have been one of those magical mystical weeks that we're told will happen when things "turn around" and things "get better." I used to believe that those were just things that our parents/elders/friends told us because they wanted us to quit bitching about how the metaphorical shit kept hitting the fan. I wasn't kidding when I last wrote that I was drowning in plain view. It's weird to think that whole month of March was just some weird blur that happened and I just hoped that somehow my feet would find their way back to the ground. 

Granted I had a wonderful week back home with my family where I was, once again, provided perspective and grounding. My best friend shook me a few times and told me to cut it out, then cuddled with me and poured us another glass of wine. That's what real friends are for right. Smack you to snap you out of your fuck and then hand you another glass to get over the shock? That's what I like to think anyway. 

I kinda felt like maybe I had pulled out of it. 

Then a month ago today my world was rattled. One of my best friends was in a horrible accident. It was actually a month ago today, March 15th. I could not be MORE grateful that we had a friends night planned that night. I found out, had to tell my girls, got to be with two of my best friends while we feared that our dear friend wouldn't make it through the night. We cried, we drank [A LOT], we all stayed the night together, snuggling close to those that we loved. We all kind of broke down together. 

I know that the universe does everything for a reason and I like to think that if Laur had to have that accident that the universe waited until I was back in Portland. That sounds twisted in so many ways but I don't know if I would have been able to deal with it had I been in Illinois, away from my friends, my chosen family, my best friend that weeks can go by and then we talk and the planets realign and everything is fine. If I wouldn't have been near her I don't know how I would have put myself in place. I was terrified and rattled to my core. 

Two days later my brother had major surgery and we got word that another friend had committed suicide. 

What the fuck! That was all I could think while I sat at my desk in small town Illinois, thousands of miles away from everyone I loved and everyone that I wanted to curl up with and cry. That said I didn't cry. I dealt with it. [Let's all comment on my healthy life choices of stuffing emotions instead of dealing with them]. 

It's bazaar thinking of how much I've grown in this month and how much has change. Laur is doing exceptional (all things considered), my brother is rocking it out with his straight back, my heart is healing from the loss of a friend.

Then great things started to happen.

I got the opportunities professionally that I wanted. I am being given the opportunity to take on something within my field that I have strived for. I met someone wonderful. 

If you would have asked me a month ago where I would be today I would have told you I would be in shambles, praying for summer when I could again crawl into my family and hide from my circumstances. That's not where I am though. I'm so ready to take on wonderful things. Don't think for a second that I am jumping in with two feet first, but I am jumping. 

My best friend in her infinite words of wisdom told me, "You will never know til you try! Sometimes the unexpected things are the most amazing and just what you need when you don't know it." She couldn't be more right. When everything seemed to be falling apart maybe my life was just leveling things down to the foundation so that I can build again. I am not who I used to be. I don't really know who I am, what I'm doing or where I'm going right now. What I do know it that life is full of adventures and it's about time I get on board and live mine.