I think everyone's heard the stupid line that we all have baggage all we can do is hope we find someone who a) (whose) baggage matches ours or b) cares enough to help us unpack. But what if it isn't the baggage that's the problem? What if we can leave the baggage at the door but we can't help but fear the monsters that live in the closet and under the bed?
I don't remember ever being afraid of the monsters under the bed or in the closet as a kid. I think I'm more afraid of them now as an adult because those monsters are scary because they're real. Skelton's of lives passed and memories I've tried to forget. My monsters are the things I tried to forget that come up at random times when all they do is cause problems. It's funny how your subconscious will remove memories from your consciousness... that doesn't mean they're gone. Just means they aren't current in your mind. Just gaps of time. Until they let themselves out.
I've spent the better part of my adulthood trying to hide from anything and anyone that would ask questions. Any situations where I might have to be honest and let myself be vulnerable. Because when I'm vulnerable the monsters come out.
Is there a difference though? Between your baggage and my monsters? Is it like bringing a knife to a gun fight? Or are they comparable? I know baggage you can dress up and try to make it seem better. I remember when I used to add sparkles and glitter to the baggage in my life trying to make it less threatening to others.
Unfortunately, I never figured out how to make the monsters seem more snuggly. They still wake me up at night, in a cold sweat, heart racing and out of breath.
So tell me, how do you make yourself vulnerable and let someone see the monsters knowing full well you have no control over them? For years I've tried to fight them with no success and I refuse to let them be something that someone fights for me.
Ironic that my brain can slowly unravel at a song... I don't know if I'll ever understand this.
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