What does it mean to be alone?

I don't think you ever really know what it feels like to be alone until you have that moment that you are surround by people and still lonely. This move has been anything if not hard for me. I am in this strange place where I have been called out for my beliefs and my "alternative self". I mean really, a plus sized girl with purple hair, piercings and tattoos in a world of skinny girls with their natural hair color and no body mods. I stick out like a sore thumb.

This is where I feel like most days. 

Back in Portland I had kinda come to terms with being the chubby girl working in Campus Recreation. I mean lets be real, I know that I don't look like I'm supposed to. I don't work out because gyms make me nervous and I feel like I'm being judged just for being there. At least when I'm working I have the place that I fit. The second I am in workout gear and at the gym I'm the girl above....

Then it makes me think of a friend that I counsel camp with. She sings this penguin song. Essentially it's about a penguin that doesn't understand why it's important. It understands that it's important BECAUSE it's a penguin, not in spite of it.

 

Maybe that could be me. The penguin that was all dressed up with no where to go. Shit I don't know... I just want to find the place where I belong. I get it, I'm more alternative. I like tattoos. I love piercings. 

If I could my hair would be this color like it used to be!

 

I loved it when it looked like that! I felt like me.... this reddish purple color isn't me. It's not even like I want to stand out. It's just how I feel like me. I like bright colors. I'm loud. I love sports. I love feminism. I HATE oppressive language. I think we can talk to people and not hurt their guts. I think that we can empower people through minor actions. I am driven. I am inspired. I am.

That's the thing. I feel stunted. 

I could be HUGE but everyone is too bad giving me the look like I'm weird. I don't like drinking. I don't like partying. I love dinner parties and board games. I like going on drives with my music blasting WAY too loud. I like playing with my dogs at the park and just rolling in the grass. I like the beach and adventures. I don't like doing things that I am going to regret.

I LIKE BEING ME! I may not fit here but I just want to find the people that I do fit in with... The people that look at me and think "yeah, she's legit" and want to go on scavenger hunts at the grocery store and get lost in St. Louis with me. I miss being able to call my friends to go on a "brief" shopping trip to the farmers market that ends up taking hours cause we got caught up in the fun of it. I want those people again.... It really sucks feeling alone and realizing that you're surrounded by people that aren't your people....