He almost died....

I’ve learned what my major weakness is. I am a bitch. I was talking to a friend and said that everyone has something that they are really good at that they need to quit doing. Well I’ve figured out what mine is. I am really good at speaking my mind and putting it all out there. This can be a good thing…but usually it’s a bad thing. I hurt a really good friend and though right now I don’t feel it, I know I’m going to feel horrible later. I wish that I could feel things. It’s weird just living and not caring about anything. I found out last night that Pimp Daddy almost died yesterday morning. He flipped the Marquee tail over head into a ditch. When he told me I was worried but I knew that he was okay, obviously because he was sitting next to me, but if he wouldn’t have been I don’t know what I would have done. I honestly don’t know if it would have been the last card that knocked over the house of cards or if it would have just been one more to help stabilize it. I honestly have no idea. I mean it made me laugh that he was that dumb but I didn’t FEEL worried. I just knew that I should have been, so I acted accordingly. I haven’t talked to Alkboy in about a week and I don’t feel anything. I mean the thoughts go through my head of “is he okay” and “is he mad at me” and “should I call to let him know I care”….but I’m not worried or scared. I love him but that isn’t enough. Rose asked me yesterday if loving me is enough and I guess (no matter how much this hurts) the answer is no. Sometimes it’s not enough. The only reason I know it’s not enough is because I’m living it. I love with all that I am, and I’m not enough. I promise you though, Rose that I won’t do what Alkboy did and leave. I’m still here, even if it isn’t enough to make me feel or enough to make me trust people. Who knew that two boys could take so much from you? They’ve taken my trust, my hope, my perseverance, and my reason to care. That’s a lot if you think about it. All I want is You. Who You are, only I can tell. As this fire burns down my cheek I feel it not on my skin but searing into my soul. I’m burning from the inside out, and no one can put this fire out. Only You know how to stop this fire from consuming me. Pull me out from this flame, where the lightening strikes as I stand in cold blood. “Somewhere over the rainbow the dreams you dare to dream really do come true”…find me my rainbow so this dream that tearing apart my heart can come true. It’s a dream that none but know. You know this dream, and You have not helped so it sits tearing apart my being. CD lays and calms my tears; reminding me there is a life for me outside this death I’m become. I am but a walking ghost that You can not but feel. You reach out to me and your hands go right through me, touching not my soul. My soul is no longer here, just a body striving to find life in something. The dagger has been put away, it’s not needed, You cannot kill something that is already dead. There is nothing any of you can do to resuscitate this lifeless being.

How do you know what is real? Is something material real? Or is it just something that you have faith in? am I real? I am here and material but I don’t feel. Does that make me fake. What is this word we refer as real. Real, genuine, actual. factual, existent, walid, true, sincere, unfeigned, frank, heartfelt, unaffected, truthful, authentic, honest. That is what real is. That is not me. I am not heartful or sincere, I am definitely not existent. God damn it all…