Sitting alone, Feeling nothing

So I’m trying to figure out how to word my thoughts. I spent like 45 minutes talking to Cindy yesterday. She is such a great person. I was talking to her about Andrew and about alkboy and how I felt alone. I told her that I wanted to help Andrew and that I didn’t know how because I was still afraid to be near him. She told me to write a letter. So I did. I’ve edited it like twice so far. I feel as though I will keep editing it until it’s perfect (and knowing me that could be weeks). I really want to help him and I care so much about him still. I always will but that doesn’t change that I want nothing to do with him. I’ve been having moments lately this week that I wish my life was a part of history and no longer present time. I don’t know how to tell people what’s going through my mind. I feel abandoned and at a lack for importance. This may not be true but that’s how it feels. It’s like Alkboy is mad at me and couldn’t care less about what happens to me, Rose is too busy caught up in having it herself and keeping Tangerine and Jack to herself that she’s too busy for me. Daisy is here for me but she has her own fair share of crap and I’m trying not to add more and I don’t want to seem as though I’m complaining. I can’t really tell Fuchsia because we are just now getting to be good friends and I don’t think she’d get it. Pimp Daddy I can talk to and we were going to but his dumb-ass father told us we couldn’t hang out. I just want to turn and scream. I want to get in a car and drive until I can’t drive anymore. I know this sounds irrational but it’s true. I am out of the loop and confused and want to just run. I don’t want to be the center of anyone’s world and I don’t know what’s wrong with me but lately it’s just like nothing is working. I feel so depressed and I’m trying to act normal. I’m trying to act as though everything is fine. I wish I could do what I’ve done this week which is curl up on my bed and watch NCIS. It was nice having time to myself. I am just so confused. We have Charlie now too and he slept with me last night. He’s so cuddly and I know he trusts me. I’m the only one he follows and knows isn’t going to hurt me. I think we just understand each other, I know he won’t hurt me and god knows I wouldn’t ever hurt him. I hate that the artist and I messed up the friendship we had. I’m just afraid to get close to him again because jeez he blew me off once when it was important, how do I know it won’t happen again. I’m sure he’d listen if I needed to talk and maybe I’ll take advantage of that. I really want to talk to the dancer. He always listens and tells me what I need to hear. Not only does he tell me what I need to hear but he tells me the truth. I know I’ll always have a place in his life. He cares about me, I know it’s true. I pissed off his girlfriend and he backed me, not because he loves me but because he trusted what I told him. Can I just run away for a few days? I have friends that would house me. Just get away from all the people I mention in this entry. You should know who you are. I hope you understand what you’re doing to me. You may not even notice it or know that you’re doing it but you are. I want to be at home right now cuddling with my Charliedog. I sure hope we can keep him. I knew as soon as I saw him that I would love him. He’s different from Mooka, he just lays there and he listens attentively, he cuddles and he trusts me. He slept with me last night and the only time he moved was to get closer to me. I wish I had a boyfriend like him. With the exception of the fact that he was abused. Poor baby. One of these days I am just going to get ona bus and ride until I can’t figure out where else to ride. Just randomly switch buses. I just wanna turn off my cell phone and go. Leave, I don’t know where I would go, but I would just go until I couldn’t go anymore…I want to be wth Tangerine right now. He makes me feel happy. He doesn’t have to know what’s happening but he always seems to understand. I love that about him. That’s it, I’m leaving. The planning has begun. (oh and FYI....the picture...is my charlie...)