We spoke like there was no block. I don’t understand how you can just brush things off like nothing happened. I love you, I don’t know if you know that but it’s true. My heart is in your hands and it’s like you haven’t acknowledged it’s there yet. When will you know? When will you notice and take action? I don’t care if this is that you give my heart back or if you keep it. I just want you to acknowledge that you have it.
So I have just one question? Who are you? I know who I am, and I know who you are. But the real question is do you know who you are? This isn’t something you have to think of very often but I want you to think about it. Think really hard. Include every aspect of your life. What is your reason for living? You do have a reason. You don’t really want to die. You just want to be known. Why do you shoot everyone down so much? Is that just so you make yourself feel better? If you must shoot me down then you have issues. I am the kid that almost killed herself a week and a half ago but no, you don’t know that because you haven’t given me the time of day. If you knew that would you stop pushing me down? My life isn’t something for you to abuse. You say I am always fighting back. Well wouldn’t you. If someone was just sitting there making fun of everything you did, of everything you thought and believed and said. You’d feel like crap like I do. Except maybe you’re stronger then I am, maybe you’d be able to brush it off but after a while of things picking away at my life I sit there and hold knife and scare myself. I don’t want to die but sometimes I just break. You don’t know this though because you haven’t given me the time of day. Sometimes when I say I hate you and say “fuck you” I mean it. I honestly wish sometimes that someone would just beat (literally) some sense into you. Being on the beach you were amazing. I wonder almost that if Violet wasn’t there if you would have just held me. That’s what I need, you know. I need you to just hold me and show you care. Do you understand how you hurt me? I hate that you hurt me and I want to be with you, not romantically but just there…God damn you and being a workaholic. I call seeing if you want to come see me for 2 HOURS, only 2 but no you have to help out at your cousin’s salon. I think I’ve figured out why you are being this way….you must be gay. That’s it I figured it out. Well at least you could have told me. I am more then accepting of that. I mean honestly I’ll still be a close friend, I just know now that since (in my eyes) you are gay, I can hook you up with my gay friends. Then you can be happy and things can go back to the way they were. Well I’m glad I have this all narrowed down. Now can things go back to normal now? Seriously just be honest with me and I’ll be accepting…
I just talked to you. I don’t think you understand. You said that if I wanted to end this friendship right here. I could just say the word. You obviously don’t get how important you are to me. You say that I take things too seriously. Well the thing is that with everything that has happened in my life with Javad, you have to take things seriously. I used to be able to take things jokingly but I just can’t anymore. Everything I ever believed was changed like 5 years ago. I tried to be a kid and it’s not that easy. The things that are constantly running through my mind are, “Could this day be his last?”, “Will today be the day I get a call saying it’s over?”, “Is tomorrow going to change my life forever?” I don’t think you understand that one of the most important things in my life has almost died TWICE and there was nothing I could do. I don’t share a blood type so I can give him NOTHING. He was my reason for living for 3 years and I almost lost him once in the time. You weren’t here then. You didn’t see it happen. Yeah I know that Adam isn’t like this but he wasn’t here. He wasn’t there when he was born. He was told that he could see him so had to result to standing on a vacuum cleaner trying to see through the ICU window. He didn’t lose every one of his friends because his brother was “defective”. I was told once that it must be partially my fault since we share a mother, that I must have something wrong with me as well. Do you know how much that affects a 12 year old? When someone tells you that there must be something wrong with you because you’re brother is sick. I can’t take things as a joke. I try really hard but most of the time it just doesn’t work. My life has been formed around fear. So because of this instead of attaching myself to the things I love I try to turn and walk away. Well the thing is with you is that I sometimes try to walk away, and it feels like you let me, like you’re pushing me. It makes it really easy to run from you and I’m trying to change and make myself stay. I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to me; I just can’t help but feel sometimes like it’s either your rep or me. I don’t want you to change; you said you would try if I asked. I love who you are because you are you and no one else. You don’t act like you care what other people think, though I know you do at times. Things can’t be easy trying to be the guy that everyone likes. Tell me, how do you do it, being the people pleaser that you are. Ever been a knight in shining armor? I’m sure you have. You just didn’t know it. I haven’t been having issues because I like you, I can handle us not being, what I can’t handle though, is you not being here. I just want you to be here for me, like I have been for you. I don’t break down often, and the other night was really scary. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I just wanted you to be there to hold me. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t want you because I liked you either; I wanted you because you’re my best friend and I knew you cared. I hope you know that if there were ever a time you needed me I’d be there. I think you know that by now though. The only thing though is that this HAS TO be a two way street. I’ve got baggage, you know. I’ve been through my fair (and unfair) amount of shit. I’ve been around the block a few times, I know my way around this place called hell. I know you have baggage too even though you pack it into the smallest space possible. I’m just upfront about it. Why can’t you be? You say I’m your best friend but obviously not. I say that for two reasons 1) you said earlier that if I wanted to end this friendship I could and if I were your best friend you wouldn’t have said that because you’d want to find a way to make it work and 2) you never tell me anything anymore. You said that I hadn’t called you lately well you were the one that quit calling me. You are the one that used to call me everyday and I was fine with that. I’ll just have to start calling you again. I miss talking to you. I miss having something to look forward to every night. I just miss you. I’ve never been like this with someone. I want to have just us time that we can just hang out and chill. We never get to have that. You’re always so busy. I’m busy too and I just want there to be time. I don’t always want to see you around the guys. I want to see you, how you are with me, like you were that night you stayed over. I want to see you like that more often. Just hanging out and chilling.
Somehow you’ve managed to distract me from my classes. You are on my mind because I want you to understand. I wish I could just make you get it. My whole life has changed this summer. Did you notice that. Where I stand in half my families life has changed. I’ve lost importance so I seek it out elsewhere. Like from you. One of these days I will show up on your doorstep just because I need to see you. I know it is going to happen. I know that as soon as I have a car, yours will be the house I show up at. I’ll call to say hello and tell you to anwer the door and you’ll be confused and then I’ll be there. And we can sit and look at the stars and just be. That’s all I need, is to just be. Can you teach me to be?
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