Today is a day that we are supposed to sit and ponder all the thing we are thankful for. Well can i say i'm thankful for nothing. Not no thing but nothing. The ability to have nothing going on and to have the nothingness in your life. That is what i'm thankful for. Today i got absolutely furious with my mother. Her and my father are going wine tasting tomorrow in NEWBERG of all places. Well you see, Newberg is where i have my greatest support network and the vast amount of my beloved friends and my mom won't bring me with. She said that being in newberg once a week is sufficient. It's infuriating that she can be so selfish but at the same time I'm okay with it. She can go and get drunk until her brain melts and i'll sit back at home and do whatever i want. Though I truly do want to be spending my day in newberg I think it'll be okay. What makes me want to scream is that she's second guessing whether i should go on Sunday to hang out with my boy. Well you see...this is selfish of her. She is abusing her power as my mother. If she says no...i'm gonna say suck it because you know what...i am going to go. If i want to go to newberg then i am going to newberg and she can ground me when i get back.
My heart is aching today...I'm trying so hard to be quit with the drugs and the alcohol but what i really want to do right now is smoke/drink away the pain that is overwhelming my body. It's nothing specific that is killing me. More just everything. The want to be comforted in someone's arms. The suffering of knowing who i want and who i am giving up. It's like love is an addiction. When you fall in love getting rid of that person is SO hard that you end up getting addicted to other things trying to break your addiction to them. Those who have not been addicted may be confused but it makes sense to me. I was so addicted to him and my love for him that I decided to hate him...well now i am addicted to the hate and the love has conquered that. How do i be done all together. BASICALLY it would be like being an alcoholic...you try to quit dirnking so you start smoking...well you see now you are addicted to smoking. You find a way to quit and now there is nothing stopping you from drinking. You are fine and then someone offers you a drink...saying no is the hardest thing ever. Now that you've accepted the drink you have to find a way to not make one lead to another....I got offered a drink and i am slowly falling back into the habit of him...
BUT you wanna know what? I am thankful for him. More than anyone can understand. I am so glad that he has done to me what he has. The fact that he broke me only made me stronger and as i look at it...I am so much stronger. Though it kills me...I am better now...
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