Do you really know?

Why is it that every time I need someone you are there? You aren’t the first one I want but you are always the one I get. I just don’t get it. There is this other male and he is the one that I wan but he is NEVER there when I need him. Why are you? Is there a specific reason I just don’t get it. Sometimes I wish you weren’t there. I don’t want to have to worry about you have feelings for me and me having feelings for you. I don’t want to feel this way. You are confusing me. You’ll never fit in with my friends, you just aren’t like them. You’ll say something and make things awkward or something of the sort. I understand you but that doesn’t mean anyone else does. I speak you’re language. The way you think and feel makes sense to me. But my friends are different. That boy I love would mock you at all cost. He wouldn’t care if you made sense to me; the point is that you don’t make sense to him. You’re different and he doesn’t like that, plus between that and the fact that we are so close, he would make your life a living hell. He’d be jealous I just know it and it wouldn’t make things very fun for you. Being my friend is a dangerous act when you aren’t like the rest of my friends. I want you to be like them. I want you to be understood. I don’t know I might just want you. I know I want him but that doesn’t mean I can have him. If I could I would come home everyday and curl into bed with him. That’s how I want the rest of my life to be. I know he can be detached and critical but that’s part of what I love about him. He completes me. See he is the critical, overly lax, insensitive part and then I am the sensitive, understanding, “up tight”, serious one. They work together. He is determined and has an end point. He knows where he is going and what he wants to make of himself. That is good and amazing and I love it. See you, you are amazing, but, you aren’t sure. You don’t know where you are going. You are still irrational and don’t quite see the whole picture. You are amazing. You truly are. But I can’t do amazing, I am at the point in my life where I want realistic. Do I even really know what I want? I don’t. I want to be done with my life. I want to learn everything I was supposed to learn and move forward. I want to know that I have almost died and have everyone just accept that and move on. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be able to tell my grandparents and parents and great grandparents that I am bisexual and enjoy the company of females. That isn’t something they need to know but something they should. Being my family they should know that. It’s their business. I want grandma to know. I want her to know the truth. I don’t want grandma to know, not knowing who I truly am. My grandma is one of the people I love most in this world and the person I want to grow up to be so doesn't she deserve to know the truth about me? Does that define who I am?