A Fear So Deep It Bleeds

Laying here motionless, blade against my skin. Yearning for the connection it’s used to. Hands shaking beyond recognition. Tears streaming down my face. Pain surging through my veins, oil replaces the blood leaving me with no feeling. One thin line after another. I sit and watch the thick black liquid seem from my skin, turning to a rushing red as it hits the air. Confusion and hurt fill me. Is this blood or affected oil, I can’t feel so it must be oil. The oil covers my hands as the tears soak my face. My heart is a black hole that is sucking in the rest of my being. All of who I am, is in your hands, the ones I long to cover with these blood soaked hands. I’m scared for my life. Afraid I’ll take this too far. Afraid that this blade will sink too deep. Afraid to lose my feet. Knowing you’re not there to take care of this broken heart. Knowing that blood makes you sick and run for cover. What about a simple break that heals with your teals. If my corpse was placed on your door step would you stop and weep before stepping over it on your way to work? Would my body enable you to get to your car? Make it hard to let your dog out. Am I just a road block on the way to make things good for you? My heart is falling out onto the pavement. Do you see it there? It’s that thing your foot just kicked into the mud. It’s trampled and incomplete. Gaping open for all to see. I'll give you a choice. Take my blade away or press it deep into the core of who I am. If you sit here like you have been then you might as well stab it in deeper. I know this feeling. I graze the blade gently along my skin then scratch at this fake skin I live in. This outer costume isn't real. It is a beauty that someone gave me to hide this disgusting creature I truly am. I just want to scratch this facade out so that I can be real. Show people my inner monster that eats away at my heart and everything I live for. You are turning into the monster that likes in me. What ever happened to being a knight in shining armor? Is that over rated these days? Won't you come and defeat this dragon inside of me?