Fire and Ice

Hey guess what! I learned something I think I've always known!

I burn hot. Not just a simmer but hot, Hot, HOT. I feel and live everything at 110%.

It's weird, like I've always known that I was a little hot headed and that I was more than a little overprotective of the people I cared about but I never really thought of myself as burning hot. I feel like there are people that are reading this that either a) don't know what I mean by saying that I burn hot and b) are just nodding their heads like "Stesha, we are so glad you are finally acknowledging this... your life will be easier because you acknowledged this." Ugh. Yes, yes I know this is a long time coming to truly get this and what I mean is that everything is 110%.

I love whole-heartedly. I am fiercely overprotective. I loathe like it's my JOB! When I am frustrated it absorbs me and can be SUPER overwhelming. I hate acknowledging this because it just makes me feel ridiculous but when i'm mad I am seething mad, I see red and am out for the kill. If you have a button to push or a weakness to go after I will.... this is NOT an awesome trait >.< This however can be good in moments where something is happening that shouldn't be, or I need to be advocating... this is not so awesome when my frustration is misplaced. Whoops! That happens sometimes. fml....

I think I figured out what it is about Portland that just calms me though. It's the water. This may sound crazy but there is a part of me that believes there is a part of each of us that is fueled by the elements. I'll acknowledge that I am fire through and through but it makes sense why the ocean, the rain, a hot shower, a float down the river, the calm of sitting by the creeks down from my house have brought me back to center for as long as I can remember.

I remember when I was a little kid and I was fishing off the little bridge that went over the creek behind my grandparents beach house and I got in a fight with my aunt (she's like 7 years older than me) and I was so angry. Not even because we'd gotten in a fight but because I had been at such peace. I remember grabbing my fishing rod and running back to the house only to retreat to the beach, bury my feet and hands in the warm sand and just breathe.

In college when things would just seem too much my friends I would grab a pack of beer (sorry mom), all of our cardboard and paper recycling and load into a car toward the beach. We'd then sit back, make a bonfire, listen to the waves crash against the rocks and wash onto the sand and all the stress of college, midterms, relationships, work, drama, all of it didn't seem to matter any more. When everyone was busy and I couldn't leave I'd walk down to the waterfront and sit in the middle of a bridge with my feet hanging off wondering what it would feel like to go splashing into the water....not in a depressing like I wanna jump off a bridge way, but in a diving into the water kinda way. I know it's dangerous hence why I never did it. Don't get all dangerzone lecturey on me.

It's weird being landlocked. It's almost suffocating. Like in those moments that I wanna get away I end up just driving like I'm looking for a destination but there is no where. No where that is going to feel the same.

Let me say right now that if someone tells me that I am right next to the Mississippi River and that should count I might swat at you through the computer. Then I will roll my eyes in the way that only a 14-year-old angsty teen girl can and ignore that you said it all together. Because that may be a river but that is NOT peaceful. It's grosser than the Willamette and that is SAYING something cause the Willamette is TWELVE-shades of nasty. I need REAL water, like cold, refreshing, take your breathe away with the breeze it causes water.

Like, SUUUURRRREEEEEEE we have rain here in SoIll (Southern Illinois for those NOT from this general region or able to pick up on context clues) but it's warm. WHAT IS THE POINT OF WARM RAIN?!!?!?! I don't understand. Growing up somewhere where it rains ALL. THE. TIME. but it's cold and refreshing and leaves everything feeling clean and smelling amazing to being somewhere that is so humid and the rain is warm and leaves you feeling sticky and gross and makes everything smell kinda moldy but weird and it comes with theatrics so you can't just enjoy the rain cause it's overshadowed with thunder and lightening and fearing for your life (if you're me and you DON'T LIKE THEATRICS!!!!).... oi vey! Like the rain starts here and I get grumpy. WTF! Rain has never made me grumpy.... it's usually soothing and puts me to sleep (even at noon when I should be awake).

All I want is a beach... or REAL rain (cause I have decided that the rain here is really just devil spawned rain that isn't real and is infused with evil and self-loathing [no clue where that came from]). Fuck I was home and did it rain?! NOPE! Once... MAYBE! Ugh, thanks Portland for being beautiful but I was REALLY looking forward to some overcast and rain so I could lay in the plaza on the bricks and just soak up the glory of it. Similarly, I intended on driving to the beach but apparently 10pm on Memorial day is a bad time to drive to the beach cause drunks on the road are out to get you so that threw a kink in that plan.... ugh!

So I guess there it is. I am sure there is so much more to say cause if you couldn't tell I'm feeling a little sassy today. Weird I know cause I am NEVER sassy... but hell I guess that's just what happens when you're feisty and hot headed and have no access to any sort of calming source. Stupid SoIll and it's inability to have a direct line to a coast... I guess a 10 hour jaunt south is going to be in the works sometime soon cause damned if not there is going to be SOOOOO much pent up attitude it's gonna get a little interesting.