I don't remember a ton from my childhood. Not because I have a bad memory but because I don't want to. It wasn't bad it just wasn't the years I want stamped in my brain forever.
Don't get my wrong, I have the most incredible mom ever. She's one of the strongest people I know, but even the strongest people have hard moments. When I was little were some of those hard moments. They're also probably the reason my mom and I are so close. We were all we had, or at least in my child-eyes that's how I saw it. I don't ever remember there being anyone else, outside the two of us, until my dad came along when I was like 8, and for a while he was just as my mom's friend (not the "we're dating but telling our kids we're friends" thing but like legitimately friends).
Granted my grandparents were always there swooping in. My Poppa taught me how men were supposed to act and acted as the male role in my childhood. (If you know my Poppa you know that these are big shoes to fill and that a) no one will ever measure up and b) he can be a bit intimidating). My momma taught me that I didn't ever need a man. We managed everything on our own, though it wasn't always the best way and there tended to be swearing and tears where there didn't need to be.
There's something about family where it's not given but chosen. There are whole sides of my genetics that I couldn't identify if you paid me. Sure they're "family" if you look on a family tree but I don't know them. They didn't contribute to who I am. They weren't the ones I fought with when I was using, or the ones that challenged me when they didn't see that I had long term goals. I may not always like the people in my family, but that's because they're family. That's kinda in the rules isn't it?
When my mom and dad got married I was nine years old and had an attitude the size of Russia (for size comparison I have shrunk it down a bit so it's only about the size of Canada now which is about 1/2 the size). I hated my dad. Sure I told my mom when he proposed that I was good with them getting married cause what else are you supposed to say when you're like 8 years old and your mom looks happy, and your being offered a consistency and balance to your otherwise chaotic (yet always an adventure) life. I wanted my mom to be happy and she was, and he bought me things and the food was good so all my needs were met in the mind of an 8 year old, but I hated him. I hated that he told me I couldn't do things. I hated that he made it so I couldn't sleep with my mom any night I wanted. I hated that he would punish me. I hated that he acted like a dad because I'd never had one before.
My mom always had a very specific way of doing things. Sure I'd get in trouble but I'd get sent to my room, I'd yell, she'd yell, I'd come into her room or the living room, cuddle up with her and though it didn't get me off the hook it always seemed forgiven. That's always been how my mom and I worked. We fight 110% but then when it's over it's over. My dad didn't fight fair. He'd send me to my room and expect me to stay there. When he told me I couldn't see friends he meant it and it didn't change. He stuck to his guns. I did NOT know how to handle that. So, I hated him, that was how I handled it. How else are you supposed to handle someone that is stepping into a role you didn't know existed.
I don't think it was until I was a teenager that I quit hating him and let him be my dad. I mean hell, he brought with him two new brothers (neither of which I was a fan of, then I would like one and hate the other, then switch.... I did a lot of disliking for a long time, that's what happens when you never had to share your mom then had to share her a lot). Then they had Javad. My superhero/sidekick duo of my mom and I was slowly turning into the Justice League and I was NOT down with it.
I fell in love with my family how you fall asleep, slowly at first and then all at once. I don't know when it happened but I went from resisting them to choosing them as my own. I went from hating my dad to in so many ways being a daddy's girl. I went from fighting with my brothers constantly to having little brother be one of my best friends and favorite people in the world. I chose my family. Sure it took a while. Sure only my mom, J and I share blood but they're mine, all of them.
It's hard sometimes. Missing them. Wishing it's like when we were in high school and we'd all curl up on mom and dad's bed and watch tv, or movies. Or when the boys and I would play Super Smash Bros until I threw a controller at Adds for being an asshole, or Simon got mad and stormed out (pretty sure it was always Adam's fault). Or when Si had to teach Adds and I how to cut a watermelon. Or or or.... I miss when we were all together. I miss my family.
Sometimes I get sad because I think about the people in my "family" that I don't know. The ones that haven't ever been a part of my life. The ones that jump in and out when it's good for them. The ones that sometimes send cards for birthdays or a christmas card. Sometimes I regret that they aren't a part of my life and it hurts. It hurts feeling like there is something I didn't do. Like somehow I have failed because my relationship with them isn't like it is with my family. It hurts and I've never known how to handle it.
I really love our little Justice League. I know that it will only expand as our family grows. I also know that there is enough love to go around. If there is one thing my dad taught me it's that there is always enough food, always enough places to sleep and always enough love to go around. And for that, I will always be grateful <3
No comments:
Post a Comment