It's weird to think that though I grew up in Portland it wasn't always home in this way. It has always been where my family was and where my homebase was but home and homebase are different in my mind. Homebase is where you land at the end of the day whereas home is where you go to get filled up when you are empty and need to be surrounded in love and confirmations. My friends have made Portland that place.
I have some of the best friends in the world. There is no doubt about that. My best friend has become more and more my rock and my conscience since I have moved and thinking of her not being in Portland when I come back in July is heart-wrenching. The ginger twins are separating and going to be in two different places. People are graduating and moving on, moving to different places and taking their lives to the next level.
I guess that's the same thing I did except it's harder when you do it first cause then you go from knowing what it's like to go back to them to having to acknowledge that they won't be here when I come home anymore. It's put me in a weird place.
I just successfully finished my first year of grad school. Woohoo? It's more like I have successfully completed my first year of grad school for the second time. Had I stayed at Portland State I would be 5 weeks away from graduation but instead I am a few short weeks away from starting summer semester and starting my second year at SIUE. It's crazy to think that this year is over and though has been a quick year it has also been the longest year of my life.
I've talked about a few times about how this year has been long but I've been reflecting on it a lot lately. In the last 12 months I have accepted a postion and committed to moving to Southern Illinois, I've lost the first true love of my life and had my heart obliterated in the process, forgot how to love and trust others, moved to a place that I'd never been with no support near by (or at least that's what it felt like then), found a new family in my coworkers, got caught in the middle of drama, struggled to keep my own demons and addictions in check at moments, struggled with my identity, opened my heart up and had it thrown back in my face, stepped outside of my comfort zone, made new friends, cherished old friendships, rose above what was expected of me, and finished my first year with only 1 B (a huge accomplishment for a kid that barely made it through undergrad).
This has been a year that challenged me professionally in ways that I could have never imagined. It taught me who my allies were both within my region, and my organization, but also what limitations really looked like and how much of that was created by me.
This year has challenged me personally in ways that I don't have words for. My mom has always been my constant and I forgot how difficult it was for me to maintain stability in my own life without her. The only other time that had happened was when I removed her from my life during the dark years. This hasn't been a type of growing up I have wanted and without the chosen family of a few boys in Illinois I probably wouldn't be handling this challenge well.
So here I am, watching as my best friends, my chosen family in Portland, start talking about graduation and leaving Portland and I am starting to feel like a nomad. If home is where the heart is, and my heart is with them, and they are what makes this home, where does my home go if they are all gone? How does that impact the challenges? Is this just another challenge to face?
When all you want is for things to go back to the way they were what does this do? I don't know what to think about this and I am in a constant place, more this trip than any other trip to Portland, where I don't want to go back to SoIll. I just want to stay here, even if only until after graduation, just so that I can soak up all the time with my loves that I can get.... I'm feeling really strained right now... hmmmm.
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