A New Beginning

I've been looking over all my old posts today. It's strange to read and see where I was 7 years ago. I wasn't healthy, I wasn't alright, but I'm not going to get rid of them because they are who I was. They are a part of who I am today. Reading my old posts reminded me of how far I've come, for one, but also reminded me that we can't even judge a book by it's cover. Working in both social work and a university setting I am confronted with many different types of people. I would be lying if I said that there weren't moments where someone walked into my office and I judged how disorganized they were just by the first moments, or how tacky or how whatever. I usually catch myself, not because I have judged them but because I want to examine the social context by which the judgement came.

However, today I was forced to consider what judgements people have made of me over the last few years. When I walk into a room do they see my weight or my extended pause or my hesitation. Do they see the fear or the challenge? What they don't know is that the weight is because of the stress and the pause is the anxiety, the hesitation is the worry that I won't be accepted and the fear is that I'll let the stress, anxiety and belonging knock me off the wagon, while the hesitation is wondering if someone in the room will offer. I will always be an addict. I am clean. I am sober. I have grown up. I have gotten my life together. It hasn't been easy and there have been days that giving in would have been easier then fighting but I have fought.

My past will never really be in my past because it has to constantly be in the forefront so that it's something I don't forget about. I live it everyday, which doesn't mean that I can't move on. I am ready for my new beginning, for my new family, for my new babies (puppies), for my amazing home and amazing boyfriend. I need to get over the idea that things will get easier and that they need to be easy for them to be positive, because things will never be easy or else you aren't really trying. At work my background is a quote, it says "If your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough." I think that's true about life. If life isn't hard or challenging in moments then you aren't really living. You're just sitting and let life happen to you. I've let life happen to me for a long while, and let me tell you, it hasn't been working for me. It's time I put myself in the front seat of my life and actually drive the car instead of just being taken where ever someone else decides to take me, because if your life doesn't scare you, you aren't living big enough.